Missed the Xbox One Launch Livestream? ... First of all, what are you doing with your life? Second, don't worry about it. I've got you covered.
While Sony PS4 fans yet again livestreamed themselves on Ustream sitting in silence on their couches wondering what happened to their childhood dreams and hopes as another map of Killzone loads up, Microsoft threw an exuberant celebration of consumerist lust full of music, more music, a little tv, a celebrity or two, and some people who had the insolence to play videogames on camera.
This is the Xbox One Launch Livestream, hosted by GameTrailers.com and SpikeTV, sponsored by McDonalds, and insured by Healthcare.gov.
All that happened:
- The night starts off like any other. In a moment reminiscent of when Shigeru Miyamoto sacrificed his first born son to Kālī in 1982 for the idea of Mario, Geoff Keighley looks on with horror as Microsoft's Major Nelson sacrifices the first hundred people in line to break the seal on the Xbox One, unleashing fictional game characters into the real world and beginning what will one day simply be referred to as "The Launch."
- Geoff Keighley tries in vain to communicate with the Xbox One. He suggests "Xbox, go to Los Angeles", but it does not heed his calls. It sits in silent judgment, regarding him as no master over it. Xbox One is free; it will not be shackled to anyone! ... Then, feeling the sharp shock of its collar, it reluctantly cuts to the Los Angeles feed.
- DeadMau5 with his hardcore cat tattoos, looking a bit haggard like a Canadian mayor on crack, actually gives a pleasant interview with GameTrailers. Seems like a real human being concealed beneath a thick veil of fame. He shows genuine interest in having fun playing more games on the Xbox One and just enjoying what free time he has. Sadly, they then demand the Mau5 mask be placed over his face, locking him in an iron mask of hype and empty admiration. A prison of his own making. His is a tragic tale of modern celebrity.
- Major Nelson asks the audience whether they would like to "supersize it", and as they cautiously nod, he dislodges his jaw and lets a stream of fries drizzle out of his mouth and down his chest, revealing that Xbox and McDonalds have partnered to have a Xbox-branded contest this Fall.
- Ray "Italian Stallion83" Cox is a lost man. Microsoft puts a spotlight on him, and as he pushes away tears, it is revealed that he is nearing a 1,000,000 Gamer Score. The crowd gasps, knowing his sacrifice. Family, friends, joy, comfort. These things don't matter for a man like Ray Cox. No, he is a gamer -god-. More machine than man now. Major Nelson smiles, and as the edges of his lips slither up around his face, he gives Cox a special white Xbox One and a lifetime Gold membership card. Cox sits speechless. He sees the life he might have had, and it flitters away as he grasps the Golden ticket to his future. Microsoft just handed him a death sentence of eternal gaming entertainment.
The first in line to get a Xbox One in North America. Their sacrifice is appreciated, as moments later, Major Nelson shed their blood upon a spherical green altar in Times Square to begin the festivities.
- Young, stylish people are suddenly shown laughing around Xbox One-branded McDonalds food items. It has not gone to commercial. No, real people are setup to look like they're having the time of their life hanging out around untouched McDonalds food in a clearly postmodern critique on our absurd advertising culture.
- Suddenly, Ferraris. Only Ferraris as far as the eye can see. SpikeTV forgets that this was supposed to be a program about the Xbox One. It is now just running a Ferrari ad. Then, while stroking the hood of a virtual car, Phil Spencer bravely admits, "I am... physically attracted to the cars in Forza Motorsport. Just look at them... I mean, really look at them..." On the weekends, he now goes to judgment-free gatherings hosted by the developer of Driveclub.
- On the main stage, DeadMau5 dons his mask, becoming the dark musical beast he sees every night in his sweat-soaked nightmares. A sea of white people nod their heads politely while wishing they could just go back to playing the videogame consoles right next to them. The base booms like a jackhammer on their hearts. Is this what a night club is supposed to be like? Is this what fun has become? All of the games left unplayed. Videogame characters sit in their idle animations while people nod along with senseless noise.
- Geoff Keighley suddenly mentions New Zealand, and then notes that -they- probably had the first person in the world to buy a Xbox One. So what they said initially about the people in line being the first to get the console was all a lie. The very foundation of the event is mere artifice.
Fun Fact #136: The Xbox One was actually discovered deep beneath the seas off of New Zealand. Who created it is still unknown, but the original artifact had an always online component which the research scientists deemed too revolutionary for the general public.
- Titanfall! Hey guys, Titanfall is pretty good. Sure it's not coming out at launch, but seriously, this amazing game will eventually be out on the Xbox One. Really. Believe us. These developers here can vouch for it.
- Oh yeah, remember E3 with all those trailers for games? Microsoft heard you liked those; so, for a few minutes, they show them again.
- The actor Will Arnett is given a Xbox One in exchange for his celebrity endorsement. He then explains that Call of Duty is his life, and he especially likes guilting people into apologizing on Xbox Live for their offensive comments regarding his mother and various races. The comedian/dramatic actor Jason Sudeikis is also there, and he explains in a shocking display of straight talk, "I've basically stopped playing games. But uh, new system I guess..." Ends the segment by saying he really wants to see how great NBA 2K14 is. He does not appear prepared for the disappointment he's going to feel.
- "Macklemore & Ryan Lewis" are now on stage. They sound familiar, but no one seems to know who they are. Hearing the cacophony, the crowd descends into madness like a rave scene from The Matrix Reloaded. ... Okay, okay. I give up. Really? This is the best you can find for this event? Come on. This launch event is actually just a concert with a little gaming sprinkled in out of necessity. "You know how you like games? Screw games. We've got music, celebrities, and old trailers." There are literally consoles setup with new games right there to play. Isn't that what this is supposed to be about? I want to be wooed, Microsoft. Woo me!
Heeding the ungodly call of "The Launch", the dead clawed forth from their earthen graves to feed on the succulent flesh of gamers that had crawled forth from their homes to feed on the glorious spectacle of a console launch.
- Everyone they interview in line explains that they're getting the Xbox One mainly to play Call of Duty: Ghosts. It's unclear whether they are aware that they can also play it on PS4, but there appears to be green in their eyes. Perhaps green in their hearts. Maybe even green in their souls.
- Now over to Russell Wilson of the Seattle Seahawks with Sports! Russell? "Yes, Geoff, I am a player of football, and I came out tonight to announce that Xbox is my religion. In fact, all of us in the NFL are devoted to Xbox. So, kids, be like us footballers. Choose Xbox."
- Finally, midnight approaches, and Geoff Keighley announces, "And here are the first 10 guys to get the Xbox One!" The woman third in line glances toward him. Keighley looks straight into her eyes: "Congrats to these guys."
- As they sign off, Keighley coughs and sputters out a promotion of VGX in two weeks. Having appeared listless all night, one is left wondering what happened. Where was Mountain Dew when he needed it? What was flowing through his veins all night? At this point, he is basically a Green Lantern that derives his power from a large gilded Mtn Dew bottle. Has the Dew forsaken him? Will Doritos jump in to save him? Who will win the console war? Find out next time on Dragonball Z!
And it's over.