Muhammad Ali and Walt Disney were the perfect examples of America in the 20th century. Artistry and athletics at the top of their game and using their stature to change the world. Let’s make them punch each other a bunch.

Walt Disney vs Muhammad Ali

Walt Disney’s theme song is of course “It’s a Small World After All” another one of his mind games. Disney is a cerebral contender, he knows the mind is how you defeat an opponent. Also his giant Mickey Mouse mech that generates an expansive force field.

Advertisement

Obviously without the mech it would be no contest. Ali (circa early-to-mid sixties) sees Disney’s amazing mech suit transformation scene play out, bemused, but not distant. No, he is merely powering up his fighting soul, that power all the greatest fighters have once they reach name level. Images of lions and wolves and giant octopuses flush through his mind until at last he says “I choose you, fire breathing war elephant!” However we don’t always get what we want in life and Ali’s chariot shall be the Magic School Bus. Mrs. Frizzle and the Magic School Bus show up and ask Ali if he wants to learn something about the human body.

Then it’s getting...educational?

Ali uses the shrinking powers of the Magic School Bus to get inside Disney. Like really inside him, in his bloodstream. Mrs. Frizzle uses the opportunity to explain what the white and red blood cells do in relation to the circulatory and respiratory systems interconnected responsibilities for keeping a person alive. That’s when Ali presses the button that makes the bus return to full size, killing Disney through an explosive bus-sized growth.

At least I learned something

Let’s undo that directly then. The ref is counting down when Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” begins to play, it could only mean one thing: Count Dracula. The fans are going wild (also apparently we were in a late 90’s wrestling match this entire time). Meanwhile Dracula has some Dracula girl with a ‘deep V’ get the ref’s attention as Dracula gives Disney the ultimate choice: true immortality, vampiric powers, occultic influence but an end to his beating heart. For Disney it isn’t really much of a change so he agrees.

The transformation is violent, through the brutal process Disney stays sane, and is now one of the children of the night. Disney was always powerful, but now he has vampire powers and without even thinking about it he jumps into Ali’s mind. Deeper and deeper he treads, through his life as a young man, his youth, his space baby period. Eventually Disney finds himself in the dark center of the American dream, sprawling and chaotic the horrors of institutionalized racism and industrialized warfare playing out against the twentieth century’s constant rise of technology and industry, relic of a dead age following mankind like spectral entities.

Advertisement

So Disney colonizes this mental space and places a Disneyland there. Years upon years from now we’ll all be taking our kids to visit the Muhammed Ali Disneyland. It will become ensconced upon America as a summer tradition to pile the kids in a station wagon or a van and spend 15 hours a day as our legs melt into the vinyl until finally we get to go on a few roller coasters attached upon the precipices of Ali’s psyche. Everyone wins.

Predator versus Carl Weathers

In a jungle somewhere workers are cheap Carl Weathers is talking to the crew. They’ve finished a long day and are preparing to leave but the mood is positively jovial when Weathers hears a noise. “I’d know that sound anywhere, that’s a Predator.” The crew would laugh but Weathers would continue, “Predator was actually a documentary. We went to film a goofy movie about special forces, but somewhere along the way that damn Predator showed up and actually chased us. Eventually Arnold actually killed that thing. The studio didn’t want to waste the footage and allowed us to film some inserts and a few scenes to make it into a film. We all vowed never to talk about it again, always speaking of it as a fictional film.”

Of course, I mean who could possibly create a story as imaginative or as gutsy as 1987’s Predator. The crew all agreed this made a lot more sense now that they thought about it.

So it’s time we admit it

Carl Weathers is in fact a wizard. A conjuror more accurately. Also once he starts talking magic he partakes in a British speech. “Flauros I summon thee” (is that how they talk on that island? it’s all “thee” and “thou” still, right? And “timey-wimey”) and thusly Flauros appears. “Who is Flauros?” you’re asking like a dumb dumb dummy who doesn’t know anything. Well, according to Weyer’s Pseudomonarchia Daemonum, an index of demons attached to De praestigiss daemonum Latin for “that sound you hear after taking a shower where the tub’s emptying out, down there be hell.” This was, according to Weyer, also known as Wierus, all based on info from Liber officiorum spirituum, seu liber dictus empto Salomonis, de principibus et regibus demoniorum (tales of a thousand marbles and one square, remembered by that drunk Harpo). According to Wierus’ source there were 72 demons that controlled the legions of hell, and they all had silly names and cool powers. Weyer wanted to expose the silliness of witchcraft and occultism, but now sad kids make circles in their back yards and try to summon these demons by name attempting to gain powers like turning metal into a coin, or answering questions about the nature of man or the universe.

Oh gosh, bad pic.

NO.

What is happening?

OK, there’s a picture that’s good.

But Weathers was a real conjurer, subject to no laws of man, able to tamper with the forces of not only nature but the universe writ at large, ascending to a level to see his supernal and execrable manifestations form. Mostly he’d used this power to win small sums of money and live an “Endless Summer” style life for the last 30 odd years. Flauros, the 64th demon, can answer any question, but will lie unless commanded to go into a triangle. However he also has the much more useful power of controlling fire and burning the summoner’s enemies to death. So he’s like a super badass Charizard.

Predator is done for

Well, Predator might be in trouble if he wasn’t a badass killer alien who could turn invisible and shoot death lasers. The Predator knew he’d never get a chance to kill Weathers if he was his enemy, so he pulled a cunning Predator trick and found a way to become Weathers’ friend. Obviously they bonded over how awesome Rocky 3 was. I think that’s the one with the robot.

They actually got really into talking about Stallone’s filmography, from too bad to be good flicks like Rhinestone to amazing directed works like Staying Alive.

Seriously just think about Staying Alive, that’s the craziest movie and Stallone directed it. It’s literally the film version of spitting in another person’s face. Eventually they got a place together and lived together for the happiest years of their lives and then, when Weathers was on his deathbed, Predator shot him with a triangle laser right in his head. Was it amazing strategy or putting Weathers out of his misery after years of conjuration magic had left him with a malignant growth the shape of a pentagram on his brain? Who’s to say, but Predator definitely killed Carl Weathers. They’d always have “Far From Over.”

Interlude:

Che Guevara vs Albert Einstein

Alexander the Great’s been using his time machine for a trip through history, taking famous historical figures, going deep into the future to give them superpowers, and then forcing them to fight for his amusement in prehistorica Antarctica. Oh you don’t know about Alexander the Great’s time machine? I guess that’s a story for another time. It has mag wheels though so he’s got that going for him.

In the far future Einstein finds himself under a cultlike level of influence, his physicist followers exist in a world where amazing feats of power are possible with the atom finally being understood. Also they live in a world where the cat is both alive and dead. But mostly a world where atomic superpowers are handed out willy nilly. Einstein partakes, and becomes Einstein the Doombringer, willing to use his Dr. Manhattan level powers to see the future and create multiples of himself. Also laser eyes and he can punch really hard.

Advertisement

Che, noted Communist revolutionary, find his future as one in which the entire universe has gone communal. However this meant the universe had to separate from every other universe. But the universe had really cool 50s cars, also a ridiculous number of super-weapons that were incredibly strong, durable, and basically cheated to win any fight. Che returned to Antarctica riding Neo-Shinryu.

Stage 1

Ice and snow as far as the eyes could see, ancient ice dinosaurs darting the distance, and an aurora australis over them. There were no remarks, no verbal sparring, just a tremendous release of energy that destroyed the world in one moment only for the world to pop back into existence as the multiverse sought to restore balance. But this gave Einstein tremendous power and he moved his body at tremendous speed, around the globe several times in a second and then into Che’s superweapon. He smashed them so hard they broke their reality for a few moments and existed in a silent movie version of reality, before dropping back to the real world.

Stage 2

Neo-Shinryu was very powerful (lots of hp’s) and this was only a momentary if bizarre set-back. He only had to draw his Tidal Wave to dispose of Einstein. Antarctica is 14 million square kilometers of ice. The asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs was 9 kilometers wide. We’re talking an amount of force that would end the planet. Also it’s ice so it’s water elemental and that’s got to be a boost, if Einstein is weak to water. Now that I think about it he’s probably not weak to water, since as a human he’s needed water his entire life.

Stage 3

But that’s when we see just how powerful Einstein is. He rearranges his own gravity at the molecular level and absorbs the Antarctic sized force. (Antarctic sized is not an actual unit of force, please don’t use it as an answer to any exam). Something has happened though, Einstein appears to be dying, he falls over, coughing and glowing. Timelord Alexander the Great looks on, a bit sad, but accepting of this fact. As he readies to call the fight for Che a great flash of light appears where Einstein was and he sees it: he’s changed to his final form as the Silver Surfer.

Final Stage

Yep, he’s turned into just the very best surfing based super hero like some sort of worm that turns into a slightly larger worm that also has a surfboard for some reason. Shinryu casts Tidal Wave again. It’s ineffective, in fact the Silver Surfer just rides that wave and punches Shinryu so hard they break through the fabric of life itself and end up in Muhammed Ali’s Disneyland. About to lay the final blow they hear the music, see the happy sights of kids and adults enjoying the fractured power systems of the 20th century turned into rides. How could you fight at a time like this?

Advertisement

So they all go on some roller coasters. Also Mark Twain was there this whole time and wrote a funny story about the whole thing. Neo-Shinryu, Count Dracula, Vampire Walt Disney, Mark Twain, Timelord Alexander the Great, Che Guevara and Doctor Sharkula (a Dracula shark who is also an M.D.) as well as Predator, the ghost of Carl Weathers, and Mrs. Frizzle all had a great time at the park. Everyone got a T-Shirt. Everyone won.

Post-Credits scene: Galactus shows up. Everyone loses!