DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT: Sometimes I jump into a hole and I die. I'm pretty sure I didn't hit any spikes. What am I doing wrong? -INVADINGDUCK
DUCK: Jumping into holes in real-life is totally tubular to the max! Not only can you expose yourself to anti-biotic resistant bacteria in these dirty holes, it's really the only way to meet bodacious, unethically altered turtles who possess radical ninja moves. What can righteous video game inventors do to lure kids away from this awesome hobby? Make video games that feature Bossa Nova graphics, and non-stop jumping-over-holes action! Next time you're playing your video game, resist that natural urge to jump into holes. Instead, input that leaping command into your control stick, and watch your cartoon soar over all those holes for massive Cowabunga points and massive Cowabunga fun! I Cowabunga hate myself!
DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT is a non-syndicated joke that provides commonly uncommon common sense advice about video games from a youthful perspective. Track my Twitter behavior on Twitter @marshnaylor