DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT: I am an up-and-coming adventurer, and I love to travel. While I spend most of my time trekking across mountains, forests, and deserts (plus the occasional airship excursion!), cities are by far my favorite places to visit. I love checking out local item shops and chatting with the ever-helpful and charming NPCs.

However I keep running into the same situation: whenever I find an exciting new city to visit, I am blocked at the entrance by a duo of guards. They invariably tell me that there is no way that anyone could ever possibly enter the city, and turn me away.

However, usually after the briefest of investigations, it turns out that they are simply waiting for an absurdly minor errand to be run, at which point the gates will open, never to close again.

Is there any way I can get off this bartering system and perhaps use some kind of travel visa instead? All I want to do is visit a city and patronize their businesses! -POCO

DEAR POCO: Keep trekking intrepid traveler, but you might want to skip over visiting Hyrule; they've got problems. The day Link reopened Dodongo's Cavern, he reintroduced Rock Sirloin to the population. Rock Sirloin is a highly addictive food. People who eat it experience euphoria and roll wildly on the ground for hours, often destroying property. Initially, Rock Sirloin addiction was thought of as a "Goron" problem, but when it showed up in Kokiri and Kakariko Village, Princess Zelda instituted a controversial stop-and-frisk law. These days, guards blockade entrances and harass young travelers (especially of Goron decent) on a daily basis. It's now even harder to gain entrance into villages and frequent shops. So, I encourage you to forgo your visit to Hyrule altogether, young traveler. Instead, consider beautiful Raccoon City. I also hear Silent Hill is beautiful this time of year.


DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT is a non-syndicated joke that provides commonly uncommon common sense advice about video games from a youthful perspective. Track my Twitter behavior on Twitter @marshnaylor

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