Well, it’s been a week and Fallout 4 has officially hit that time where it deserves a critical re-examination. Something of a “were we not really understanding what we were playing” story. I’m here with the ultimate list looking at how the game was in fact full of spiders with lawyers for teeth - the worst type of spiders.

No Panini Crafting Options

There’s an entire wasteland out there and not one damn panini. It’s like someone created my own personal hell and forced me to play it for hours. You can make bug steaks, roast deathclaw, and powerful drugs, yet nobody has learned how to press meat and cheese between bread.

Terrible Music

Walking around the wastes listening to stupid music from the 40s. How are kids today supposed to relate to the post-apocalyptic future wastes with a soundtrack like that? No good music, no Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, no Garth Brooks, no Chris Gaines, no Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines, not even MC Skat Cat. In fact I don’t think there’s a single song by a fictional character or cartoon.

No Dancing

Just what? Every game now needs a button just for dancing. How is my person supposed to serve anyone? Honestly I don’t think they ever once thought that a person might want to solve any of their problems with dancing.

Terrible Speech Options

This is one that people seem to finally be picking up on. Again not once has the game given me the option to bring anyone’s mama into the situation. I imagine my wastelander was really into the dozens and I just don’t have the options to role play that possiblity.

Do Any of the HAM Radios Work?

I find one and I can activate it. Nobody there. I waited for 30 minutes and nobody picked up.

No Pizza

Similar to the first complaint. Seriously who wants to live in that world where you can’t find a piece of za?

No Cat Companion

Yeah we have a dog for an animal companion, but I saw the cats in the game. Why no cat companion? I mean yeah it would sort of do what it wants, but at least let me bring it to my settlement to hang out and do cat stuff. What do we do with the cats?

No Crafting Options for my Cat Skins

Yeah they can’t be your friends and you can’t craft anything from their skins. Suddenly I’m the monster when Bethesda just had to type a few lines of code and we could of avoided all of this unpleasantness.

No Sweatband

I can’t roleplay as a character from a Wes Anderson film. Just terrible. The lack of Odyssey and Oracle tracks hurts this endeavor as well.

The Traders Won’t Trade for My Cat Skins

What is this? It’s the end of the world and I’m the one guy with all the cat skins and it’s pointless. I’m starting to think they didn’t put any time into the cat based economy.

No Memes

One does not simply fill a game with allusions to literature, history, and pop culture and expect kids to understand it. They demand the dankest of memes.

Doesn’t Explain What the Sands of Time Are

Not once does the game explain what the “Sands of Time” even are. Seriously, I played the game for hours and I don’t even think it’s set in Persia.

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So that’s my list. What do you hate from this game? Is it that they don’t explain what the sands of time are?