Sometimes, after a particularly weary and intense battle, Final Fantasy XV’s Prompto will whine that he’s dying of thirst. I hope he’s not craving any of Wiz’s Energizing Elixir because that concoction tastes like medicinal trash.

During the release of Final Fantasy XV all the way back at the end of November, Target carried a promotional special for these god-awful Jones Soda “Energizing Elixirs”.

I was the chump who bought up three bottles.

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Just in case you haven’t figured it out by now, Energizing Elixirs aren’t cute in the taste department unlike the adorable chocobo emblazoned on its label. It’s certainly sweet like its mythical bird counterpart. Is it sassy like our feathered friends? Nah. Take away the “s” in “sassy”, and you have what these orange and cream flavored drinks taste like.

It occurred to me as I was writing this that maybe I’m the fool. That perhaps it is obvious an elixir would taste like garbage. Who heard of good tasting medicine? Except for that stuff of my youth that tasted like golden vanilla ice-cream (I could have been playing a serious mind game with myself to convince myself it wasn’t so bad. I’m the same person who didn’t think Buckley’s cough medicine was terrible. And on hindsight it is. If I can trigger a memory of the taste, that’s not a good sign).

Elixirs in the Final Fantasy series boost your HP significantly. Did I feel my life’s blood boosted after downing a quarter of the bottle? Not particularly but I can say I took a three hour nap after I did. Something tells me there’s something amiss with Wiz, creator of this elixir, and his basement...moonshine. What gives it the orange colour? Does he have a license to brew underground? I’m going to hazard a guess and say no.

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I shouldn’t be surprised. When you first meet Wiz in Final Fantasy XV, he has a quest for you that twists your arm into going up against a Behemoth. A freaking Behemoth. And it’s early in the game too! It seems this Behemoth, Deadeye, has been lurking around and scaring the chocobos from venturing out into the wild. No chocobo means no rides, and so you’re tasked with tracking down the Behemoth and slaughtering it.

Behemoths have to live too! Won’t anyone think of them? Certainly not Wiz, who thinks only of chocobos. I’m not sure what goes into an Energizing Elixir but given the devious mind of Wiz, I’m not so sure I want to find out why it tastes reminiscent of chalky, orange-flavoured talc.

Not to mention he claims there are wild chocobos out there, but I only saw two the entire time I was questing in that area. And they were both sick and for being wild, Wiz seemed to know exactly where they were. I’m formulating a very gross theory right now. I think I should stop.

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It could be I just really hate orange-flavoured things, so I’m of a biased mind. It could be “elixirs” are supposed to taste bad. It could be I’m being extra drama-filled today, despite what the Jones soda cap may have led me to believe:

Or you can just take my word for it and believe me when I say: Wiz and his energizing elixir are not kweh cool at all.

The last thing I can tell you is that I’m now determined to be better at combat in Final Fantasy XV because I’ll be damned if I’ll have any of my boys drinking elixirs to survive. Now that I know what it tastes like, I’m going to do better by them.

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As for you, Prompto, you’re probably safer drinking some of that blue stuff Kenny serves in his diners to quench that thirst of yours. I mean, it’s an electric blue soda named Jetty’s. How bad could something that is toad and poison proof really be?


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