Hello all! Last week, we took a trip into licensed game territory. This one was really good, due to a sense of minimalism (despite the super-long title). The game itself was pretty short, though.

Today, as I’ve done time and time again, we’ll check out one of those super-special games that come along once in a while and change everything. I’m five days late here, but who cares?

Anyway. Let’s talk about Vampire Rain.

This blurry cover art brilliantly simulates the game’s graphics.

Vampire Rain, as you may or may not know, was a game that released for the Xbox 360 in 2007. A port for PS3 called Vampire Rain: Altered Species released the next year, adding things like the title Altered Species. You play as a member of a special forces unit tasked with killing vampires. So you gather up a variety of awesome vampire-killing weapons and holy water and...

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...oh, wait, no, you equip yourself with two guns and you sneak around the vampires. It’s an innovative choice, really! Who would want to fight vampires anyway? That’d make a crappy game, as the consistent failure and low sales of the Castlevania series has taught us [citation needed]. Anyway, VR has you stealth around the numerous vampires in a rainy city. Why the rain doesn’t kill the vampires outright is a mystery, but it’s a safe bet to assume it’s an awesome story twist [citation needed].

This is the dude you play as. This screenshot serves to remind you that you could be playing Metal Gear Solid 2 right now.

It’s like Splinter Cell, in that you dress in black and crouch-walk everywhere. The difference here is, you seem to be playing as a new recruit, or someone who is new to walking, as the game’s controls are clunky and unresponsive, in order to immerse you in your player character’s doofus mindset. It’s thrilling; pushing crouch to hide behind a barrel is a bit like winning a prize, when it works successfully.

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Should you get spotted by a vampire, he’ll chase you, catch you, and kill you in two hits. Uh, and then you reload and try again. You can shoot the vamps (and almost kill them!), but generally your guns are powerless. That’s awesome. Please note this is deliberate, because remember—you’re playing as a moron. It makes perfect sense he’d bring a goddamn pistol to a vampire fight. You have knives too; they’re ultraviolet knives (okay, that’s kinda cool), and they only work from behind on unaware vampires, because everyone knows knives don’t work on the front. So you can’t stab an enemy as he’s charging at you. If only there were a place you could stab a vampire to kill it, but alas.

CAUTION: WALLS

Environments vary between city street, another city street, and a third one. Or maybe they’re all the same block. Sometimes you’re inside a building. The voice acting consists of lines read by people and written by other people. Also there’s sound.

There’s also online multiplayer, where eight players can participate in hahahahaha I can’t even get through it.

Vampire Rain is a game best described as “transformative,” in that it single-handedly changes the average quality of any given game collection, in much the same way a stain adds to a couch. Try this experiment: find a mediocre game in your collection, and put Vampire Rain next to it, and see what happens. The results may shock you!

In closing, yes, this is an April Fools’ article. Vampire Rain is a trash fire. Thanks for putting up with this!

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And thanks for reading my stuff in general! Leave comments and suggest games to cover! Find me on Twitter and tweet me!

Next week, back to business as usual as I write about the first RTS I ever played. Probably the first for a lot of you, too.