I originally wrote this for ThinkGeek back in 2011. As they no longer sell the product (you can still buy it online, it’s a cake pan that makes a heart in the center), I figured I’d share.

Three layers of pure sass

OH. You’re still here? I thought I threw you out. I even gave you your precious Companion Cube. What were you expecting from this? A medal? A hug? Oh, you need something to eat. Well then, I suppose we are at an impasse.

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That cake? The one I promised you the last time you got the better of me? You don’t want to eat that. Not when a major garnish is fish-shaped waste. I just go and give you your freedom and you want to kill yourself with contaminated sweets… Well, I suppose not eating anything would do you much the same, now that you’re off the system.

Fine then. You can have your cake. But you’re going to help me. And then you’re going to leave. The entire process will take about three hours- but believe me, this cake is worth it. Why would I lie to you?

THE CHOCOLATE LAYERS
42 g [¼ c.] cocoa
80 mL [1/3 c.] boiling water
160 g [1 c. plus 3 T] butter, softened
451 g [2 ¼ c.] sugar
15 mL [1 t] vanilla
4 eggs
250 g [2 c.] flour
5 mL by volume [1 t] baking soda
2.5 mL by volume [½ t] NaCl
250 mL [1 c.] buttermilk

THE CHERRY LAYERS
125 mL [½ c.] whole milk
3 large eggs- whites only
150 g. [¾ c.] sugar
5 mL by volume [1 t] vanilla
10 mL by volume [2 t] baking powder
2.5 mL by volume [½ t] NaCl
170 g [12 T.] butter, unsalted, separated into small pieces
1 can cherry pie filling (or make your own, you lazy, incompetent test subject)

CHOCOLATE ICING
256 g [2 c.] confectioner’s/powdered sugar
21 g [1/8 c.] cocoa
29 g [¼ c] butter, room temp.
45 mL [3 T] milk
7.5 mL [½ T] vanilla

OTHER ITEMS:
White icing (you can make your own or buy prepackaged, although I’m pretty certain that there are no stores for you out there)
Chocolate-cream filled chocolate sandwich cookies
Some of the reserved cherry pie filling from the cherry cake layer

For my convenience, I use shorthand.
T= tablespoon
t= teaspoon
c= cup
But really, why is nobody using metric?

Set the incinerator to 450º Kelvin. (That’s 350º Fahrenheit or 176º Celsius. Moron.)

•Start with the chocolate layer.
Combine cocoa and water until uniform consistency and set aside. Grease two round baking pans with appropriate food lubricant unit. If you are in possession of an item # W2105157 [a Sweetheart Cake Pan] grease the larger cavities.

In a larger mixing bowl, cream butter. Add sugar and vanilla, beat until light and fluffy. Input eggs while stirring, one at a time. Alternate adding the chocolate mix, buttermilk, and the dry ingredients [flour baking soda, and NaCl), until all are mixed in completely. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until toothpick or hypodermic needle inserted into cake center comes out clean. Deposit layers onto wax or parchment paper. DO NOT REST CAKES ON WIRE RACK. They will get stuck, and I am not cleaning up any more of your messes.

•While the chocolate layers are in the oven, prepare the cherry layer.
In medium bowl, whisk milk, egg whites, and vanilla.

In separate bowl mix flour, sugar, baking powder, and NaCl at low speed. Input butter, one piece at a time, until mixture looks like crumbs, and is uniform in texture. Slowly beat in liquid mixture.

Add the liquid from the cherry pie filling, one spoonful at a time, until the mixture is a dark shade of pink. Make it darker than the final color you want; it will lighten while incinerating.

When the chocolate cakes are out of the incinerator and resting, flip over and grease the inside cavities of your item # W2105157 [the Sweetheart Cake Pan]. If you do not possess this item due to security regulations, grease only one round cake pan and pour all the cake batter in. Otherwise, with your # W2105157, pour the batter in each of the two small cavities until it almost fills the top. You will have some extra batter, which you can use to make cupcakes for the road. Which I am sending you on as soon as this thing is done. No, I did not pick a cake that takes a long time to make just to spend more time with you.

Incinerate, also at 450º Kelvin, for about 15 minutes, or until inserted object comes out clean. Due to the properties of surface area, one flat round cake may be quicker than the two denser ones. Keep an eye on the cakes. Just… don’t fall in the incinerator again.

•While the cherry layer is in the oven, whip up the chocolate and the cherry icing.

Chocolate: Just mix all the ingredients together. Add in a spoonful or two of the liquid from the cherry pie filling if you want.

Cherry: Separate the white icing and add cherry pie filling liquid to one bowl of it until it is the right shade of pink. Keep the other part of the icing set aside in a piping bag for the top of the cake.

•Layering the cake
If using # W2105157: Place the chocolate layer with the single indentation, indentation up, on a cake plate. Spread a thin amount of chocolate icing in cavity to help stick layers together. Insert the proper piece of the cherry layer. Spread cherry icing over both joined layers, and add the other cherry layer, flat side touching the cake. Spread chocolate icing on the top part of the exposed cherry layer, and top with the final chocolate layer. It should fit into place nicely.

If using regular pans: Place one chocolate layer on plate. Top with half the cherry icing, the cherry layer, the other half of cherry icing, and the final chocolate layer. Simpler, but not as stylish. Like you, in a way.

•Decorating the cake
Spread a thin layer of chocolate icing on the outside of the cake. Break sandwich cookies and cover entire surface area. Pipe decorations with a star tip, and place eight cherries from the pie filling on top.

Eat and go.