Image Source: Anime News Network

HOLLYWOOD – With pre-production underway on the live action film adaptation of Naruto, sources report that Lionsgate executives gathered today to discuss how to address concerns about the diversity of the principal cast members.

“Listen up, as you know, we just acquired the movie rights to a Japanese kids cartoon about ninjas. I don’t know much about it, but what I do know is that it wasn’t cheap. We need to make a lot of money for this to pay off. The studio believes there’s serious potential here, and we need to be very smart about who we put in it. You know every time we adapt one of these things, certain people squawk about diversity. But I think we can get creative and head-off the kind of bad publicity that’s dogged a lot of other movies.”

“There is some good news. First off, we’re working with Arad Productions. They’ve done this sort of thing before and know the deal. They cast fuckin’ Scar Jo as a lead with the name Kusanagi - caught a lot of shit for it too but obviously made the right call. Second, the main character Naruto is blonde and blue-eyed so we got that going for us. The bad news is it only gets tougher from there, people.”

Advertisement

“Let’s run down the list. First up, Sasuke Uchiha. Fuck me that’s one Asian-sounding name. Any flexibility here?”

“Well, Sasuke is sort of a generic Japanese ninja name. It’s like a cowboy named Tex.”

“Shit... tough sell. I heard ‘cowboy’ though. Pencil in Zac Efron or one of those Hemsworth brothers. I bet we can make something work.”

Sponsored

“Sounds good. Next, we got a girl with short pink hair and green eyes... now that’s helpful. Unfortunately her name is Sakura.”

“Does that have to be her name?”

“I think so.”

“Alright, fine. Pink hair and green eyes though? We can work with that. Could you see Emma Stone or Bella Thorne with pink hair?”

Advertisement

“Absolutely – add them to the list.”

“Now what about this guy in the mask, Kakashi? First one I’ve seen all day that actually looks like a ninja. You know, we can really make use of that mask. Who’s to say what he is one way or another with his face all covered up?”

Advertisement

“Exactly. And you know who we should get? Robert Pattinson. Robert would look fantastic with grey hair.”

“Absolutely, and he’s perfect for the key demographic too.”

“I think we got a blockbuster on our hands here, people. Is anyone else getting hungry? I’m hungry. Let’s do one more and call it a day.”

Advertisement

“We’ve got a villain named... Orochimaru? Some kind of a snake man?”

“How about Tom Hanks? He’s a national treasure! Who’s gonna complain about Tom Hanks?”

Advertisement

“This guy gets it. Alright folks, that’s a wrap for today. It’s lunch time.”

“One sec. Don’t you think we’re probably going to need at least one Asian though because... you know...”

Advertisement

“Right. Well, we’ve got a character named Chōji – only three lines.”

“Perfect. How about that kid from The Jungle Book? My kids loved that movie.”

“Mowgli? I don’t think he’s the same kind of Asian though.”

Advertisement

“Whatever, doesn’t matter. CGI can fix him.”


@TheMushroomNews + themushroomnews@gmail