Bacon. If you like bacon, great. But you know what else is good? Other foods. Have you ever thought, “Why is bacon such a cultural phenomenon? It’s greasy, bad for me, gives me colon cancer, and tastes...like salted rubber?”

I’ll tell you why. Big Bacon. It’s out there making bacon, “Manly” or “a hilarious joke.”

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Why is there a PS4 theme with bacon on it? Do you really want to LOOK at bacon? It looks like mutilated ....well - nevermind, I won’t put that image in your head. Bacon is not sexy. it’s not attractive. It’s a breakfast food. Waffles are a breakfast food. So are eggs. Why aren’t eggs sexy? Where are the egg lobbyists to make eggs sexy?

A cursory google search reveals this:

WTF is that? Some hoity toity egg BS. No one eats soft boiled eggs like that unless they’re wearing a monocle, a top hat, and smoking fine Cuban cigars until their taste buds have crawled into a hole and died. This is not sexy.

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Brand your product better, eggs. Ever had fried egg on your hamburger? It’s approximately 6 Moles better than a bacon burger. Seriously. Go try to be objective, fry an egg. Put that mother on your burger. Get all messy and sticky as you gobble down that embryo. See, this is sexy. Greasy pig fat all over you? Naw.

In conclusion, screw bacon. Screw eggs. Screw health foods and lobbyists and big business. I want to become a subsistence farmer.