When I was but a little bicep, my parents told me I was capable of anything, that I could change the world. But I didn't. The world was too big, so I used that potential to lift instead. Now, I'm bigger than the world — and I command my parents to change me! Once the new diaper is fastened on, I get hungry instantly, and long for the breaded treasures I loved as a child — cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches (Miracle Whip only) and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
However, as the cheese and mayo sammich market is a bit niche, and infinitely tasty, Smucker's has decided to go an alternate route by bringing the world Uncrustables — crust-free, pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So, today, I take out my fanciest of bibs to find out if these sandwiches of Smucker's are completely yuckers.
Ah, a bit of a stretch, but I think I made it work.
Perfect blend of peanut butter and grape jelly
The biggest gripe I have when it comes to PB&J's is that if I don't put peanut butter on both slices of bread, the jelly will begin to soak into the slice it has been spread on, giving the sandwich a somewhat soggy consistency. However, if I coat both slices with peanut butter, then add the grape jelly in between, the grape-flavored, sugary sammich enhancer will begin to drip out of the sandwich, leaving me a peanut butter sandwich with a hint of jelly.
And those two scenarios I cannot abide. They anger me and my mouth muscles!
Each bite is the 'perfect bite'.
However, because of the domed, circular shape of these Uncrustables, peanut butter is spread completely within the interior of the sandwich, creating a protective barrier that surrounds the jelly as to stop it from soaking into the bread. And, when setting the sandwich down, there is very little runoff , meaning you get the maximum amount of jelly per sandwich — thus taking me to my next point.
No muss no fuss
I'm reminded of a certain episode of All That, where Lori Beth Denberg is answering a question about how peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are completely messy and sticky, then recommends the viewer simply turn the sandwich upside down, as to stop the jelly from leaking out.
These Uncrustables are a much simpler solution.
As each sandwich holds a perfect amount of peanut butter and jelly, these are practically mess-proof replacements for your ordinary PB&J's. Plus, the sandwich is completely sealed along the edges, meaning, that with each bite, there is no chance of any PB&J deliciousness seeping through and escaping its circular confine. Of course, if someone eats the outside edges away, they are most certainly looking for disaster and shall no longer be welcome in my Muscular Eating Club of Forcible Mastication.
Snack-sized snack of snackiness
These sandwiches are perfect for a light snack if you are in the middle of a gaming session and don't feel like spending a few minutes actually preparing something to eat. Simply grab one of these, open it up and let your need to eat do the rest. Without the messiness of regular PB&J's and the sticky, greasy residue that most chips leave behind on your fingers, these are the perfect go-to gaming snack of gamers everywhere — who better enjoy PB&J's as much as they damn-well should.
You're gonna need a bigger sandwich
While these sandwiches contain a big, bold flavor of childhood, they are about the size of my palm, meaning that if I want to get sufficiently full, and not just snack on something, I will need to consume at least two, unless I am eating something along with it, like apple slices or a banana — even chips! So, while these are perfect for the snack-happy gamer, someone who craves something more substantial will either need to grab two or more, find something else entirely, or engage in a vicious mind-battle with hunger itself, making it realize it needs you more than you need it.
Juuust a bit too much bread
While these Uncrustables have plenty of peanut butter and jelly within them to make me purr like a wildebeest, there is a bit too much bread for my tastes. However I am the kind of person that prefers more peanut butter than bread when it comes to my sandwiches, so this is purely something that I have an issue with and not necessarily a fault with it. I do know that because of the amount of bread, it makes it more difficult for the innards to escape, meaning I no longer have to maintain my PB&J's through sheer intimidation.
What is this — A sandwich for patient people?
In case it went unnoticed in the header image, there is a massive flaw with these sandwiches — they must remain frozen until it is time to feast. So, what does this mean for the hungry gamer that wants a quick snack as soon as immediately hits? Well, that means you will either need to plan ahead and decide when you will be hungry, or resign yourself to eating one of your other snacks instead.
While bread is not easily frozen, and quite quick to thaw, the biggest issue you will run into is the crafty deception of the Uncrustable. You see, humans are its natural-born predator, meaning, that like other prey, they have a defense mechanism that can counter our hunger and make us regret even thinking about consuming them.
And their defense mechanism is the bread thawing out first, leaving the tasty insides still completely frozen. Thus if you attack too soon, the sandwich will deliver unto your mouth the wrath of an arctic chill that will cause you to put it down, giving the sandwich the precious time it needs to do absolutely nothing because it's food and incapable of escape.
If you are looking for a handy, pint-sized snack that you can consume whilst you game away, then cease your search, for you have found one of the greatest treats you can eat! With Uncrustables, you can nibble away at it until it becomes one with nothingness, without leaving a mess, whilst you turn your enemies into nothing in the messiest ways possible.
'But, McFist,' you are saying unto yourselves. 'You didn't mention the most important thing of all — how it tastes!'
And you're right, I didn't. Because I like to keep you all on your toes. Besides, I don't need words when I have these two pictures, joined together much like the PB&J within each Uncrustable. Gaze at them and behold — the taste!
...They're really damn good, in case you couldn't tell. So, snack away — snack away all!