Disgaea 5 is a game where you repeatedly eat 100 day old curry filled with gloves and swords and glasses. I spent part of last week trying really hard to turn my base into a space dune buggy, but for what I didn’t know. In between the farming and sending team mates off on missions exploring the nether world there’s all kinds of weird things like base designing, level creating, re-coloring your characters. My Sage, Thunder Thighs, is a force to be reconned with.

We were fighting in an item, I think it was inside a mana potion, and my Pirate, Captain Soggy, pulled a pirate ship out and used it to fight people. Where? How? Wht were his orders to his crew? I saw these two characters start fighting a guy and the warrior picked up the girl and threw her into space and then, and I have no clue how else to describe this, he rode on her like a surf board crashing her through a planet the enemy was now on for some reason. My Sage turned another team member into a staff and then called down a giant space robot to blow up her enemies with star power. She used to be a little boy named Gematsu Leak. One of the main characters routinely clones himself.

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I was in an item world, this time a serious one like a testament or an exodus, and suddenly my enemies showed up, invading my journey. So I called up my nether world, which looked like a wrestler mixed with a doll at this point, and it shot their ship with whatever it used for offensive potential. It was glorious. I stole the ability to make sand storms from them and their antenae for some reason. Mow my netherworld is a bowl of udon. Truly a terror to behold.

Flonne showed up and became Flonnezilla, which is kind of hard to really explain, but it was similar to a certain monster movie. What’s weird is that’s not the only time that’s happened, that we suddenly started living in a monster movie. Or that healing spell that makes a giant half naked goddesss show up. Afterwards other healing spells are obviously inferior. There’s just no going back, why would you?

In fact blowing up entire planets to attack a single enemy seems to be a common activity for whatever reason. I have no idea what they have against stellar bodies but they do not care for the cosmos. Why would you punch a guy so hard the planet you’re on breaks? I mean it just seems short sighted.

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Also I have a little girl that tortures monsters for me. Yeah I could have someone else do it, but it wouldn’t be as cute. I then turn those monsters into a gatorade and have my zombie maid feed it to my most dedicated rebel army members because we obviously weren’t close enough to being a cult without the blood magic.

There’s a guy at my base who is literally a walking and talking bottle who makes items for me out of a pot and pan. That doesn’t even make sense. Is it magic? I bet it’s magic. Need to ask Thunder thighs about it when she gets back from fighting hundred Asagi clones at once.

Oh and the little girl becomes a fist and when you put her on she spits out Prinnies that blow up the bad guys and then, what else, you all go to the moon and blow that up too. Apparently fist weapons get a skill that makes you shoot fire with your kicks. How do you get that from something on your hands? I was in an item, I think it was in an emblem, and I found a room where a character gave me a weaponized pie. It’s a fist weapon so theoreticcally it teaches you to shoot fire with your legs eventually. Obviously.

But what’s most interesting is being able to redesign the hub area. You can put NPCs on lamp posts where they can’t get down, block characters in behind a wall of skulls, and move all the necessary NPCs next to each other not half way across the map.

We almost forgot to talk about the judicial system. And the other judicial system that exists inside items. But maybe we’ll save that conversation for another day. No we won’t: bribe them. Bribe them with whatever you have, and if they don’t vote the way you want beat everyone up and force them to let you do what you want to do.

Let’s be honest, though, you want to make a team of ladies and name them after the Spice Girls. There’s nothing wrong with your weird quirks. It’s Disgaea of course the Spice Girls can blow up a moon or two if they want. Or name your army of Maids after the Stoics. “Zeno fetch me a soda. Chop chop.”

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The only thing we haven’t mentioned is when they turn your insides into a board game. We really will leave that for another day.