Today, Nintendo announced the supposed final lineup of new characters for the massively successful game Super Smash Bros 4. Unfortunately, according to my absolute and divine calculations, the company failed to deliver. Let’s talk about why everyone else is wrong.

First off, ladies and gentlemen, you may know me as Protonstorm, but what you don’t know is that my secret identity is actually Video Game Fan 101. I represent the vast majority of gamers, compressing their tiny, screaming voices into one loud and powerful opinion that is objectively superior to any other commenter or writer you may see on this site. In fact, it would not be unreasonable of me to claim that my opinion is not just indisputable fact but is the one, absolute divine truth brought about by my absolute and perfect representation of all things video games.

I was prepared to watch this Nintendo Direct and witness the glory of the objectively best choices for characters to be chosen for Super Smash Bros. Instead, I was treated to the harsh candies of despair as I realized that Sakurai had fallen out of touch with my opinion, the one divine truth. I expected, at the very least, that Sakurai would not treat us to a presentation of lies that would smash my video game fantasies like the demonic hands Bayonetta summoned smashed Wario right off the map. When Nintendo and Sakurai attempted to claim that Bayonetta had won the poll internationally overall, having taken first place in Europe and top 5 in the US, I knew that the data must have been obscured and manipulated by the crafty carpal tunneled hands of Sakurai.

For starters, it is an undisputable fact (because I am stating it now, as the pure and holy representative of all gamers) that Shovel Knight was the highest ranking character in the polls. I know for a fact that I (and all my friends I coerced into voting) voted for him, so the fact that Nintendo didn’t choose him is not only a disservice to me but is also a disservice to the freedoms promised to United States citizens in the Constitution when it says that our voices will be heard by the establishment. Nintendo, shame on you for ignoring the will of your fanbase and slapping our freedoms in the face by lying Directly to us about the results.

And now we get to the biggest complaint: CORRIN? Another Fire Emblem character? Sakurai, are you out of your damn mind or have the rabid dogs of capitalism seized your actions as if they were a meaty treat full of bags of money? I prepared for some potential disappointment, but I can’t even believe that another Fire Emblem character was picked. Obviously, this was done entirely for marketing the new game Corrin is starring in this upcoming winter, and I am thoroughly disgusted that a company created for the purpose of making money would dare attempt to promote their new game through one of their already popular ones. This is just an absolute disgrace.

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And the Mii fighter costumes? An absolute cop out. I don’t just want to play a Mii wearing a Geno costume, I want to play Geno. You think that you can just grease my wheels and make me fling cash at you like I would with my mother’s vegetables? Think again. I refuse to spend money on your money grubbing, over-manipulative, lying corporate schemes. I’ll instead invest this money in other things, like my continually growing number of Steam accounts I purchased Undertale on for the sole purpose of slamming it in the Steam reviews because it dared have a fanbase that outvoted it against my precious Super Mario 64.

Perhaps the greatest abomination of all is not that Nintendo added dumb characters that I refuse to buy, but that it didn’t add the ones that I do want, including Wolf, Ice Climbers, King K. Rool, Shovel Knight, Banjo, and dozens of other characters I have extensively proven to be superior to that of the current cast that is available to play in Super Smash Bros. I will weep salty tears for days as I mourn the lack of each of these characters in your so-called fighting game.

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If you were too afraid to read my damning indictment of Nintendo in its full glory, know this: as the only person with a valid opinion in the whole world on the matters of Super Smash Bros, I am displeased and refuse to spend any money on this game or Nintendo until I inevitably cave in the next few hours and buy Cloud, after which I will continue to post raging comments across the internet to shame this god-forsaken company and stroke my overblown ego.

Author’s Note: For the record, you can have valid complaints about Super Smash Bros. This article is purely in jest and was written due to the volume of people upset for different reasons about this announcement.


You’re reading Video Game Fan 101, a series of articles written by the foremost expert on the subject of everything for the express purpose of satire. For more video game facts, check out Kotaku’s reader-run blog, Talk Amongst Yourselves.