Week of 2/2/2014

Welcome to The Punchline, the gamer's number one... thousandth source of humor/news/humor. I'm your host Patrick Allan, and here's the news:

Rust, DayZ's counterpart in the world of online survival games, will no longer have zombies in the game at all.

The player base was pleased with the developer's decision as they were tired of seeing rotting genitals flailing about when being chased.

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The Last of Us nabbed an overwhelming chunk of accolades at this year's DICE Awards.

10 of the 24 awards given out went to The Last of Us, including Best Picture –err Game of the Year…

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There was a stabbing at the offices of Tokyo based developer, GeePlus. Two employees were injured in the attack.

Once in custody, the suspect began to feel huge amounts of regret for his actions, quoted as saying "I thought this was Zynga…"

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A current petition to have the US National Anthem changed to Guile's Theme from Street Fighter is gaining ground.

Also in the petition, Presidents will be required to say "Sonic Boom" on inauguration day and "Yoga Fire" to veto bills.

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For the first time in a while World of Warcraft subscriptions have gone up.

Blizzard was asked why the up in subs occurred and they replied, "Yeah we don't really know either… heroin is getting a lot of negative press lately and the people need something."

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The press caught wind this week of a horror game called Nevermind, a game that monitors your heart rate and gets harder the more scared you get.

On top of that, your hard drive gets wiped if you actually shit your pants.

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A new Sonic game, Sonic Boom, was announced this week with all new character designs for the series' classic characters.

If you have a problem with the new designs, Knuckles will beat the living chaos crystals out of you.

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Mentally challenged bird simulator, Flappy Bird, reached the top of the app charts this week and is reportedly making $50,000 a day. The developer supposedly made the game in 3 days.

Activision said, "Hey, that's our strategy!"

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Resident Evil's composer, Mamoru Samuragoch, admitted to fraud this week and also revealed that he's not actually deaf.

At least before they had a reason for why the music was so bad…

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Ice-T showed up to an audio book recording unknowing it was for a Dungeons and Dragons book. He was not pleased, quoted saying "They didn't tell me this was a motherfuckin' Dungeons and Dragons book."

Dungeons & Dragons: SVU will be out in July.

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Arthur Chu got a lot of coverage this week with his tactical approach to winning Jeopardy!...

…reminding most of us that Jeopardy! is still a thing apparently.

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The massive EVE Online battle from last week inspired 15,000 people to subscribe to the MMO…

…then immediately quit when they found playing the game is not nearly as interesting as reading about it.

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The Pokemon Bank finally went up for North America this week after an unexpected delay was caused by a power outage that stemmed from what some are calling a terrorist attack.

No suspects have been apprehended, but the letter "R" was found spray painted in red on the walls of the power plant.

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Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes' length has become a hot topic with the prologue to MGSV coming in at only 2 hours long, disappointing some.

Although, when you think about it, a Solid Snake that can go for two hours is something many men would be envious of.

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A group of elementary schools did an experiment on how texting while playing Mario Kart affects your performance in a negative way. This was, of course, used as an allegory to texting while actually driving.

Unfortunately, their next experiment, drinking while playing Mario Kart, may have adverse effects as drinking while playing Mario Kart is incredibly fun… and they may get the wrong idea.

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Microsoft's Kinect is reportedly being used to guard South Korea at the DMZ line.

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That's it for the news this week. Stay tuned for more great content coming up next on Kotaku's reader written blog, Talk Amongst Yourselves. See you next week.

-PA

You can contact Patrick on his website or find him on twitter @mr_patrickallan.