Last week Lauren left Will all alone in Florida as she moved back to Maine. Will in his rage didn’t call, text or return any calls or texts from her. Despite once telling me that he actually loved her and might marry her, it all seemed over in the blink of an eye.

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We pick up this story four months later. Will and Lauren have spoken on the phone a few times. They are still kind of tentative friends. Lauren is enjoying being back home, and Will hasn’t had any sexy times since she left.

But now the summer has come at last, and Will can’t be stuck in the hot confines of Florida for too long so he heads back home to Maine. Will sees this as an opportunity. Maybe he can get Lauren back. He does still love her (according to him) and he did miss her. He is a little afraid that since he went all scorched earth with his no contact for over two weeks after their initial break up that she won’t give him another chance.

But this is Will, king of being given second chances he doesn’t deserve. Unfortunately for Will he is also king of blowing second chances he doesn’t deserve.

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He gets back to Maine, tells Lauren he is back but doesn’t say anything else. He wants her to come to him. After a week she finally sets up a little dinner with Will. They are going to talk about what went wrong and see if there is any chemistry left between them.

The dinner goes great, Will says all the adequate things to prove he has changed and still loves her. She invites him back to her place. The night gets hot and heavy. The two of them “make love” according to Will.

Now quick distinction here. Will says “make love” as a way to say it was better for her than for him. Like he made an effort to, one time, give her the best he had. Later he would say he wished they hadn’t “made love” and rather gone “buck wild” that night instead.

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So having not been completely satisfied (yeah he finished so don’t ask how he wasn’t satisfied I don’t understand it either) he wakes up before her the next morning. He still feels a little unfulfilled, so he decides he wants to rub one out.

That’s fine, if he needs that whatever. So Will rubs it out RIGHT IN THE BED NEXT TO LAUREN. He uses his phone for porn because he needs to have porn.

Lauren hated when he masturbated, and HATED when he watched porn. Like they had fights about this before. She wakes up just as he finishes and notices him trying to hide his phone immediately.

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Quick side note before we get the end of this wonderful tale. Here is my actual conversation with Will right after hearing this part of the story.

Me: Why didn’t you go to the bathroom to do that?

Will: How would that work, like lying in the tub or something?

Me: What do you mean? You stand over the toilet and (hand motions) into it. Then you flush.

Will: What? How? That’s not how it works.

Me:


Will: How do you do it standing up? I have to be lying down.

Yes, Will can only have fun with Handgela if he is lying down. So he destroyed any chance he had left with Lauren because he is a complete moron who never learned how to rub one out in the privacy of a bathroom.

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Anyway, back to the story. So Lauren asks him what is going on. Will tries to hide it and lie, so Lauren grabs his phone and sees the porn. She then asks him again what was going on, and Will in the only moment he ever told her the truth told her what he did.

Needless to say that was the official end of it. Will never saw Lauren again. Last we heard she was engaged and living in New Hampshire. God bless her soul. She still believes Will once worked at a radio station in Miami.


If you missed a week I’ve got you covered. Last week’s is linked above.