Did you know that every major Mario title has at least two villains? The first one is obvious: it’s Bowser. He definitely seems to have some issues. Who else would go around, kidnapping princesses and stars and your precious time, parking himself exactly seven worlds away (no more, no less) until you come and jump on his face a bit? That’s just weird.

Our second main villain, on the other hand, is much more obscure. He’s almost always at the major events—sitting by as the princess gets kidnapped, watching Mario after he caves Bowser’s head in, making sure that Mario gets the stars, or what have you—but he never lifts a finger to help. Even though he’s proven that he is capable of quenching Bowser’s face-jumping desires, he rarely, if ever, does so.

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I am, of course, talking of the infamous Toad. Toads are, by their very nature, simultaneously the laziest and sassiest beings that the Mushroom Kingdom has to offer. This is not to say all Toads are terrible—heck, I would say some can even manage to be downright tolerable—but a good number of them are. And that’s what we’re going to be viewing today: the worst Toads that Nintendo has to offer.

Super Mario Bros Toad

When you were playing through Super Mario Bros, did it ever bother you that Toad was just kind of... chilling out in the back room at the end of every dungeon? I mean, the lever to kill the boss was maybe ten feet from him—he could have done it at any time. And yet, he sat there and waited for you to cross an entire world to tell you that the Princess wasn’t there. He could’ve met you at the first pipe, right? Maybe even redirected you to that big chunk of warp pipes at the end of World 1-2?

Of course, we shouldn’t forget how he does greet you when he tells you the Princess isn’t there. He shoots you the ol’ double deuce. Certainly not the most subtle way for him to tell you what he thinks. At the very least, he still thanks you for coming to visit him as when he does it.

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For being completely useless to both Mario and the Princess, but only managing to have his sass at half-mast, we will award the Super Mario Bros toad with:

Sassiest Gesture.

Captain Toad

Captain Toad is just the right amount of useless for a toad. Not only is he bogged down by a backpack filled with things which serve no purpose other than to keep him from jumping, but he is particularly bad at killing things. In fact, the only times he does seem to kill things is by accident—like when he accidentally touches things with his butt while going down a ladder, or when he tries to feed someone a turnip way too eagerly, or when he swings his comically large backpack around too fast and hits someone.

As an aside, anyone who does swing their backpack around too quickly and manages to hit someone on a regular basis can feel free to relocate themselves—and their backpack—to the edge of the nearest cliff. They are the worst kind of people.

There is also the issue with his kidnapping. After Toadette is kidnapped by a giant ‘shroom-crazed bird, Captain Toad and his backpack goes on a rampage across the world, touching everything with his butt that he can and feeding turnips to the lucky few that he can’t. Again, killing everything—except the bird, which promptly captures him in exactly the same place it captured Toadette. So, for managing to only kill things on accident, failing to stop the ‘shroom-crazed bird, and promptly getting kidnapped in a way he just travelled across the world to rectify, we’ll award Captain Toad with:

Suitably Terrible.

Mario Kart Toad

It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that roughly every bad thing that’s ever happened to you in Mario Kart has been caused by Toad. Ever manage to stay in 2nd place just to avoid the Blue Shell, only for it to hit you anyways on its way to the leader? That was Toad. Gotten hit by a red shell which knocked you to the side and into a banana peel? Also Toad. Gotten passed at the last second, just before the finish line, when you were about to get a three-star Golden Cup? Most certainly Toad—because out of all of the things Toad is obnoxious at, Mario Kart is his specialty.

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But, of course, he’s still terrible at it—he is Toad, after all. Don’t let his “I’m da best” fool you on those few times he manages to pass you (presumably seconds before driving off the map). Toad, just as in other games, is only there to make you miserable. In fact, he is specifically coded to only show the slightest hint of skill when you need to win:

if (PlayerWinNeeded = True) {

ToadSkill = True;

} else {

System.out.println (“I’m da best!”);

drive.OffCliff;

}

As you can see, Toad is simply there to give you a bad time. This is an incredibly common occurrence—one that is often ignored by Nintendo. As angered GameFaqs user pennyjpie reports:

“I hate him so much right now... I hate him so much, I’m thinking about playing as him just so I can’t possible [sic] lose to him....And I’d play with the sound off.

Hell, even if it was someone else that beat me, it wouldn’t be as bad...but it’s always Toad...Always...I hate him, and his voice, his aggravating high pitched voice as he passes me seconds before I do. Every time it happens, I want to slap a kitten.”

Truer words, pennyjpie, were never spoken.

For his insistence on constantly being in the way and preventing the player from winning, we have to admire Toad. In many ways, he is a special kind of face-clawing, hair-tearing obnoxious that some people can only dream of achieving. But it should be noted that Toad, despite how obnoxious he is, can only play well when his urges to be a patoot overwhelm him—a condition that, much like being a Toad itself, is nothing to be proud of. For this, we award the Mario Kart Toad:

Last Place.

Slippy Toad

Remember playing through Star Fox 64 and hearing all of the wonderful lines from the characters in that game? Falco has his sarcastic, “Hey wise guy, I’m on your side,” and Peppy has, “Do a barrel roll!” But do you know who is noticeably absent from this list of great characters with memorable dialogue?

Slippy. Because Slippy is a terrible toad.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Slippy, he is famous for his ear-piercing screams, constant crying, and uncanny ability to get shot at. A lot. You might be more familiar with his later work, such as the Siren from Killing Floor, or better yet, the Witch from the Left 4 Dead series.

You never get to see Slippy much in the Star Fox franchise. This is usually because he’s either off-screen getting shot at, or on-screen getting shot at but promptly dying. You certainly do get to hear him, though—and that makes all the difference. For his ability to ruin parties, games, and ears with the same high frequency as those of fiery, explosive death cries, we award Slippy Toad with:

Best Explosions.

Mario Golf: World Tour Toad

Have you ever wanted a Toad that would do absolutely nothing of value but still give you all the sass of a normal Toad? Such a true return to form from Toad’s Super Mario Bros days is generally not ever considered—that is, until Mario Golf: World Tour came into being.

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With the introduction of Toad as the announcer for contest results into Mario Golf: World Tour, his sass levels have risen exponentially. Did you win that last competition? Were you close to placing? Or did you just fail entirely? Toad doesn’t care. He’ll sass you every which way back to the Mushroom Kingdom.

“Why don’t you try for a top three spot next time?” he’ll ask uncaringly once you manage to not be top in the world. It’s obviously your fault for not trying to reach the top three—if only you had known that the point of a contest was to win it, perhaps you would have avoided such a fate. Sadly, Toad does not believe you were capable of comprehending such a concept.

The Toad in Mario Golf: World Tour is full of sass, full of himself, and most importantly, full of absolute uselessness. For his strict adherence to the main three tenants of being a Toad, and because we’re not certain if staying so true to the main rules of his craft makes him the best or worst of his field, we will award him with a suitable combination of the two and deem him:

Berst Toad.

Thanks for reading, everyone. Perhaps, in my quest for finding the worst Toad, I have missed some possible options. If you have any horror stories involving Toad that you’d like to share, or other possible nominees for the worst Toad, feel free to share them down below.


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