Week of 1/26/2014

***I've decided to adapt my approach to PUNCHLINE this week, so this feature is still in the growing pains stage. I want it to read more like a real news report with fake, but funny, punchlines a la Weekend Update on SNL; just geared towards gaming news only.***

Here's the news:

Police arrested a man at JFK attempting to leave the country after stealing 144 Xbox 360s in the New Jersey area on July 8th.

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When asked by police why he did it, he replied "I was hoping to make enough off 'em so I could afford an Xbox One."

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This week news of Nintendo making 'mini-games' for smart phones sprang up.

Nintendo quickly backed out and denied these rumors when they were informed that most smart phones have powerful processors, don't use styluses, and have only one screen.

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A film adaptation of Sly Cooper is being made by animation studio Rainmaker and Blockade Entertainment, while being directed by TMNT's Kevin Munroe.

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Many are wondering why they're deciding to make this now as opposed to years ago, when the following of the franchise was much larger. The studio released a statement saying, "Don't worry it'll be out soon! See you in 2016… People will still care about it then, right?"

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Pennsylvania was recently declared as the 'most haunted' state, as determined by google search statistics.

Pennsylvania responded by saying, "At least we're not West Virginia." The most common google search for them is 'Why was my baby born with extra limbs?'

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A Colorado man attempted to sue Bethesda, the company behind The Elder Scrolls and Fallout 3, because a bug erased his saved game file.

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The case was dropped when the Colorado man failed to make the court date because he became permanently stuck, glitched partway in a rock.

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One of the largest space battles ever to break out in EVE Online occurred this week due to a missed bill payment. It caused over $300,000 of real money in damage.

"Well this was, like, their third infraction, they deserved it." AT&T said.

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Tomb Raider is being re-released on next gen consoles PS4 and Xbox One this week. After initial tests the PS4 version is running around 60fps, while the Xbox version at only 30fps.

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Microsoft, approached about the low frame rate, responded "Xbox, acquire better hardware."

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Every year, Madden is used to predict the winner of the Super Bowl, and this year the Denver Broncos have been slated to win 31 to 28.

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Richard Sherman of the Seahawks heard about the news. Here was his response: "I'M THE BEST CORNER IN THE GAME! DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ME! DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH ABOUT THE BEST OR I'M GOING TO SHUT IT FOR YOU REAL QUICK!"

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Microsoft bought the rights for the Gears of War games from Epic this week in a move to keep the series an Xbox exclusive.

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When asked, Epic Games said, "It's kind of like selling that old truck you just kept under a tarp by the house… It still works fine, you bring it out maybe once a year, but you're not sure if it's worth anything anymore or if anyone wants it, but then you get an offer so you're like, okay take it!"

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This week, a man in Olathe, Kansas rushed back into his burning house to rescue his Xbox. The console was saved and the only thing that happened to him was a little smoke inhalation.

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During an interview the man said that he was going to name his console after his now former cat, Lucky.

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Duke Nukem 3D turned 18 this week. Multiplayer has been announced for the Megaton Edition of the game to celebrate the aging bad ass.

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Duke was present for the announcement and was quoted as saying, "It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum… And I'm still out of gum."

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A Japanese man was arrested for stealing over 450 high heels from night club hostesses and reportedly stored them in a net café booth.

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Strangely, as soon as the arrest took place the website ShoeDazzle.com was mysteriously shut down.

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Nintendo president Satoru Iwata is taking a pay cut because of the poor sales performance of the Wii U.

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When asked how big of a cut he was taking, Iwata furrowed his brow, started to count on his fingers, and said, "How many systems did the PS4 and Xbox One sell?"

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The PC version of Dark Souls is finally in solid working order and not looking like ported garbage.

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The team in charge of the port asked, "Is Dark Souls 2 out yet?" When informed it hadn't released yet, they leaned back in their chairs, wiped the sweat from their brow, and said "Phew, made the deadline."

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American and British spy agencies stated this week that they harvested data from the popular mobile game Angry Birds.

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Rovio, the games' maker, responded, "We do not share data, collaborate or collude with any government spy agencies… or pigs."

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A Postal worker in the Boston area has been arrested for stealing over 200 video games that were meant to be delivered.

When asked why he sold them, he said, "They were all for the Wii U."

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A big announcement this week when Nintendo said they were developing a 'health-based' platform to be released somewhere in the 2015-2016 time frame.

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Gamers everywhere immediately put down there Cheetos and spit out their Mountain Dew to post online about how stupid of an idea it is.

...and that's the news. Stay tuned for all the excellent content coming up next, right here on Talk Amongst Yourselves. See you next week.

-PA

From, soon to be, thepunchlinenews.com. You can find Patrick on Twitter @mr_patrickallan.