I'm really feeling it!

10 Commandments of Movie Theater Etiquette

1) Don't talk loudly in the theater. This one is a given, do we really need to keep bringing it up? I paid $10 to see Godzilla smash things, not hear about Johnny's breakup with that hussy Susie who is now going out with Jeremy (and we all know Jeremy is better off with Tina anyway).

2) Cellphones on vibrate. Again people. OBVIOUS STUFF. If you want to text in the theater, then I am willing to let it slide. You cannot take phone calls though. ESPECIALLY NOT IF YOU HAVE A CUSTOM RINGTONE. Turns out dramatic death scenes are less impactful when set to the sounds of "Insane in the Membrane." Is this still the 90's? Should I buy a plaid shirt?

3) Be at least slightly educated about the film you are about to see so that you do not annoy your viewing partner. If, while at a Godzilla screening, you are inclined to ask your viewing partner when the giant monkey climbs the building, then you are in the wrong place.


4) Don't be a butt thumper. You have to pee? Your kid has to pee? You have to get more soda? You have to get popcorn? That's nice. Do it in one trip out of consideration for your compatriots in the aisle. No one paid to see the butt thumper's hiney as they pass you for the dozenth time on yet another pee run (CATHETERS PEOPLE, NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT ONE).

5) Putting your feet up on the seat in front of you is acceptable only if there is at least one seat between your feet and moviegoers on either side of dem tootsies. Also, you should get that toe checked out. Seriously, it is not supposed to look like that.

6) Do not pre-spoil things for people. You say you have seen the new Godzilla 3 times already? Kewl. Please don't say "OOOh, look at this part coming up." SIR, THERE IS A 25 FOOT TALL SCREEN IN FRONT OF ME. WHERE THE HELL ELSE WAS I LOOKING? Without your expert advice, I would suely be staring at the Jesus shaped piece of gum on the seat in front of me (It was a sign from God that netted me $20 on ebay).


7) Use the correct cupholder. Your cupholder is the one to your left. Not the one to the right. Use the one on the right and bad shiz happens. Seriously, bad jujoo dawg. Aincent evils and such.

8) Sleeping is okay if you are not liking the movie, but snoring is not. If it sounds like a jet turbine is revving up when you close your eyes, then you are not allowed to sleep.


9) Don't kick the seat of people in front of you. I appreciate that you are trying to give me a free massage on my back while I enjoy a movie. Seriously, you are thoughtful and awesome. Turns out, kicking the seat is not actually the best method of conducting this massage though. In fact, I can think of many better places you can shove that foot.




10) If you have typhoid, don't go to the damn theater. Do not sit and spew your noxious waste around you like an air vent blowing out flecks of sewage. As it turns out, your fellow viwers do not love having you hand out your unique brand of death via deep hacking coughss. Also, you might think you are being helpful by popping menthols like they are candy, but all you have done is make the entire theater smell funky and YOU ARE STILL SHOOTING NOXIOUS SPORES OUT ON TO MY POPCORN. I suppose I should thank you for letting me take next week out of work as I lay dying in bed, but I am frankly not all that pumped at the prospect of becoming a 28 days later style zombie. Here are my tips 1) Go to bed. 2) go to bed. 3) Get some vaccinations or something because dat cough makes your voice sound deeper than Chocolate Rain guy doign an Isaac Hayes impression. I swear, I will be pissed if I get bronchitis. AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT

Conclusion: Be kind to your fellow viewers. Also, maybe just go to the matinee showing. That is what I will do from now on.

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