Bear with the tone of this, as it'll be written in pieces as I hit lulls at work. I've been a total asshole to a lot of you the past... However long it was, and I feel genuinely bad for it. I asked one of the mods to delete my previous thread so that I could walk away from the sentiment entirely, but they wanted to keep it for the sake of transparency. I don't think that's the proper way to address this situation, but I do agree with the reasoning.

Anyway. I have anger management issues, and that is a problem. I've spent most of my life hearing (or feeling), "You're not smart enough," "you're not rich enough," "You're not special enough," things in that vein. As a result, I tend to be very hostile and very reactionary, as many of you have come to expect... And that needs to change if I'm going to be a positive contributor to this or any community.

Tribalism is a really shitty thing, and while I fully understand it, I too fall victim to it. When feminists and writers come out and say, "Gamers are shit," it's easy for me, given my habits, to jump to the opposite extreme. Where I actually fall is in the middle ground; but when the two loudest (and dumbest) voices are the only ones being heard, I think it's easy to pick the one not attacking you.

That's just justification for bullshits though.

I understand the anger of feminists and "social justice warriors" quite intimately. That is to say, I understand why they're angry. Myself, I've definitely been a victim of classism, of bullying, of all kinds of discrimination and stereotyping. It's easy to get angry when people say my problems aren't as valid as theirs (which is bullshit that needs to stop if social justice issues are to be resolved), but it's equally bullshit when I discount the views and feelings of others just to get my hurt feelings noticed. I'm doing the same things I hate, and that's kinda fucked.

In fact, I think I'll wind up like my dad if I stay on that path. He was the victim of racism when his family moved from Greece to Canada; he was the child of Greek immigrants living in a mostly-English town in northern Ontario. Despite that, he holds incredibly racist views; he thinks the subway being built up to his neighbourhood means black people will break into his house. That is seriously offensive to me, but I could see myself holding the same classist attitudes if I continue on my path.

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I don't know how to make things right, nor do I know how to deal with my anger. It's gotten much worse now that I'm working 40-80 hours a week, sometimes with no weekend. I know I need anger management classes, but I don't think I'll have the time. I constantly feel like grabbing a steel pipe and bashing it on a block of concrete until it's bent up like a fucking pretzel, and while I'm not physically violent by nature, those feelings, put into words, are just as destructive. I acknowledge that. My anger can be a powerful tool for fighting bullshit, but if it's used to create bullshit, then I am a cancer that deserves nothing but isolation and destruction. I don't want to be that, and I don't want to hurt people. I want to be a shield, not a sword, and I've known not a shield that charges into battle.