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A Stocking Full of Coal

On an individual and also a global level - this was a pretty bad year. There were lots of good things that happened and for those things I’m grateful (and those may or may not be the subject of an alternate post). But I figured while this is usually the time Nach starts to plan his Top five of Top Five of top five list, I would go for the opposite route - the TOP FIVE terrible things about 2016 through the lens of #FWP.

5. Starshower


Your house too can look like it caught leprosy. Look, I get it. I do. Stringing up lights is an annual headache. It’s cold and slippery and dangerous. So why not instead buy some forty dollar gizmo to shoot lights onto your house instead? Well, because it looks awful. This isn’t subjective. They just look bad. If you want your house covered in measles or like some high school production of frozen, then by all means. Otherwise just put some lights in your window and call it a day. heck, don’t even bother with lights at all.

4. Harambe Memes

The story of Harambe: He was an animal that attacked a human boy at a zoo so they shot him. Outrage ensued. Then, worse, the memes began.


Funny at first? Maybe? I think it was made more “funny” because internet trolls actually got to the Cincinatti Zoo.


Which is a surefire way to ensure the memes just keep rolling. Everything about this entire situation was dumb. I’m all for saving babies. I’m all for saving gorillas. I’m also all for firing the Zoo’s PR team.

3. The Great Marmite Scare of 2016


The greatest spread to never have a Men at Work song written about it, Marmite is typically spread on toast if you live in America Jr. (Britain). The story goes that because of this little thing called Brexit, the british pound was faltering. The makers of Marmite, Unilever, told Tesco to increase the price to compensate, and Tesco was like, nah. Unilever responded by halting supply. For a few days/weeks? all of Britain was in chaos. Shop windows were smashed. Children’s candy was stolen. Donald Trump’s opening gambit was free marmite for everyone*. This eventually changed to “make america great again” when it became apparent that no one sane likes marmite.

*everyone with the initials DT who owns a gold plated toilet

2. The Zodiac Killer is Still At Large.


He’s literally right there guys.

1. Pokemon Go

I wanted to love this game but there’s no game. Niantic just reskinned their older game, threw some pokemon on there and voila! Was it cute? Sure. Was it fun? Absolutely. Did it work? Rarely if ever. For a game so rife with possibilities, no game let me down more than this one. Why can’t I catch a pokemon and fight my friend’s pokemon? That’s your only job Pokemon! Instead I have to “train” (read: grind) my pokemon to compete at the gym which even if I had the endless amounts of time required to get my pokemon to a high enough level was as fleeting a victory as a few minutes in most cases.


So there you have it. All the things that are getting coal from Santa Furby this year.


I tried to stray away from actual things that everyone is upset about because I am pretty sure there will be/already are countless lists about Bowie/rickman/politics.

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