Ladies and Gentlemen. I come before you, flexing as humbly and as violently as I ever have. Too violently. I need to bury my now-dead pets. In light of the recent open-letter to our wondrously rippling Editors, I believe that the formatting of the Talk Amongst Yourselves Roundup, on Main Kotaku, is not necessarily the only problem, nor is it the gravest, facing Talk Amongst Yourselves, as it stands. To say that the noticeable formatting of the Roundup today, as done by the great, and rage-fueled, Tina, has done nothing to aid the readership here would be a great disservice. It has indeed brought a few new readers, and contributors, into our ranks. And, to that, I say that I am immensely grateful.
However, I do not believe it is good enough. Considering we have seen only one TAY Roundup, with an update in formatting, I believe I have all the evidence I need to safely assume that the best, and most efficient, way to garner more viewers and contributors — is to completely abolish 'TAY'.
TAY is but a Three-Letter Acronym
People fear letters. Seeing letters requires sight. But to understand the letter, it requires knowledge. Knowledge requires thought, and thought is pure terror. Thus, in order for people to decipher what 'TAY' means, we are forcing them to not only overcome their fear of knowledge and letters, but to spell. For some, spelling can be a harrowing experience. In fact, until a few years ago I couldn't properly spell stick figure drawings. I partially blame No Child Left Behind, or NCLB, as it was often referred to. I had little understanding of what it meant and, because of this, I had believed it to be code for Nickleback, considering how much everyone hates them both, to this day.
But, NCLB did bring something to this planet besides horrible music — it brought a renewal of vigor for the standardized test! Those are bad, and don't seem related to TAY at all, you all are most likely saying to yourselves. You're mostly right, and I commend you! But each standardized test requires you to fill in a bubble, a circle, or a shape of some kind. Why is this?
Because shapes make people feel at peace, make people comfortable, and are memorable. Case in point, everyone knows what is on the Hollywood 'Walk of Fame' — Stars. Easy to remember, no? We may not know who they are, how to pronounce their names, nor what they look like, but we know they are stars. And, in the States, we also have The Pentagon. We don't know what all, high-level security goings-on take place in it, but it is an easy-enough building to remember — because of its shape. And we feel safe having it in our country.
So, for our new readers, we need something that makes them comfortable and secure. Letters, and acronyms, can't provide that. But shapes can, as they require no spelling, unless you spell it out. So we take a shape — and put it in a picture.
Because Pictures are Relatable
Humans are animalistic in nature, and since animals have no need for letters, and all that jazz, we convey instructions via hand motions, and the occasional word or two. When training a dog to sit, you make a certain gesture. For them to lie down, another. Pictures are much easier to grasp than words.
These are ineffective at best on most humans that don't know sign language. Then again, why teach them things only a dog should know?
Anyway. As evidenced by imagery, pictures are pictures, one-hundred percent of the time. Unless there are words in the picture, then it becomes either an illustrated word box, or some teenaged girls photo album, who obsessed over putting glittery words on every picture she ever took. These are not pictures for we creatures of the TAY! No!
But pictures are an effective learning tool. In grade school, I'm sure many of us were read stories to. And these would be big books, with big pictures, and small letters. Why? Because pictures are nice and if we can't understand the word, we know through visual representation what's actually going on. Pictures aid learning, and these tools of thought are still being implemented by many, many, many businesses and companies today.
Hell, we began our lives as pictures. You see, when our mothers were pregnant with we children, they most likely got a sonogram, and they received a picture of us as an amoeba, or something, growing inside of them. Our existence hinged on a single picture, because without it, people would've said your mom was just fat, and she would've taken all of her rage out on you. But we don't want a picture like that to represent us. We need something that isn't gross and/or beautiful. We need something that reminds us of something great, something wonderful.
You see, every memory we have is but a picture for the mind. No matter how much of everything we want to remember, we can only retain but a fraction of it, just like how there are only so many pictures per roll of film. So, we want to remember the good times. The times where we laughed. Where we talked. And where everyone was always glad we came. Why?
Because TAY is a Community for the People, by the People
In my experience, no one has ever been made to feel left out. We always greet people as warmly as a summer day. So, we need something that describes what this TAY is, so others will join us in our future TAY. This is a community that legitimately cares for each of its denizens. Where everyone enjoys the thoughts of the rambling intellectual loon as much as the testosterone-filled rage-body.
Thus, we come to the crescendo! Kotaku Editors. I implore you. We need to become something that describes this community! A symbol that aptly states the circle we are, and strive to always be. We need something that shows others what a great place this is to be; a safe and fun zone. You don't wanna be surrounded by strangers. Nay! You wanna go where people know your troubles are all the same!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You the Reformed Talk Amongst Yourselves —
This picture is pure contradiction to every point I made. And that's the point.
Talk Amongst Yourselves should be renamed to Cheers. We are a warm fellowship that is always welcoming of its patrons, new and old. And we even have people to fit the roles.
Doc Seuss is Frasier Crane. I'm assuming no one liked him on the show, yet he somehow gathered a large following and had a long-running spin-off. Just like in real life! And if anyone thinks it's ok to bash Seuss, you're wrong! I'm the only one who can do it because I do it out of friendship and love! Community!
In fact ... that's actually the only role I can think of at this moment. But, two people will have to play the roles of Ted Danson. One as the man, the other as his forehead. I will let the other members here decide their roles, as it is only fitting!
I'm sure everyone can agree that this name change will be the best course of action if we wish to become the thriving metropolis that this place deserves to be. We will remove the old TAY and start fresh with this, as people will see the Cheers picture and think there is alcohol aplenty to be had here. There will not be any of that, unless they bring it. But the amount of community in this little place will be enough to make any shot glass runneth over. And I sincerely hope that everyone, especially the Kotaku editors who received anonymous donations to their bank accounts by a few Abraham Lincolns, will agree that the best way to save TAY is to destroy TAY.
Presumably using Kristie Alley as a wrecking ball.