Dammit, back in my cell. I guess all that sun didn't help. As part of my court-ordered communiTAY service, I am
being forced against my will graciously accepting this chance to apologize to more communities of Vidja Gameia for the horrible atrocities I have visited upon them slight miscommunications that have become way overblown.
With that in mind, let us get started.
To the Citizens of the Caribbean Isles- Assassin's Creed 4
To you, I apologize. You live in what should have been paradise, but during my time there, it was more like the 8th circle of Hell. There was no boat too small to ransack, no shed that didn't need emptied, and no citizen that wasn't ripe for a random punch in the face as I was once again running from the guards. And every animal in the area is now on the endangered species list. Your sharks are gone ( you probably didn't mind this), your whales are gone (you probably did mind this), and I believe at one time you did have monkeys on some of your islands ( don't go looking, they're long gone. Btw, check out my boots!) .
But, Come on! All those random citizen punchings weren't completely my fault. If there is a clearer signal for "Move the heck out the way!" than seeing a heavily-armed, hooded man barreling towards you with no less than a dozen armed guards hot on his heels, I can't fathom what it is. And those sharks and whales were totally asking for it. The sharks just would not stop attacking me every time I decided to go for a swim. I totally did you all a favor. Your waters are now much safer to swim in. The whales? Well, they shouldn't have looked at me with such disdain, taunting me with their ability to jump out of the water beside my ship ( That's right, Moby! I noticed!).
And the monkeys totally wasn't me. But again, have you seen the awesome pair of boots I have now? Even if I were at fault for that, these boots would be so worth it. I think we can all agree on that.
To the Citizens of Los Santos- Grand Theft Auto 5
To you, I apologize. I know how bad this all looks. Another paradise visited by Jolly, another circle of Hell left in my wake. A bloody trail of citizens crushed, vehicles demolished, and the mysterious mass extinction of cougars in your mountains all point to me being a very disturbed individual.
But let me explain. First, most of your citizens are assholes. I lost count of the amount of times someone yelled something explicit at me for no reason whatsoever. Not to mention the amount of times I was stabbed, shot, ran over, killed by missile fire ( TuT!), or crushed underneath falling helicopters. Something had to give, dammit! Is it really any wonder I retaliated in kind?
As for the cougars in the mountains, okay, that one is on me. There was still a lot of pent-up anger over the cougars of New Austin, and Trevor's vehicle just happened to be perfect for climbing mountains and exacting my revenge. I refuse to apologize for this. Fuck cougars.
To the Citizens of South Park- South Park: The Stick of Truth
To you, I...you know what? I can't do this. You people are screwed up! Your children are left to wander the streets with nary an adult in sight. I was probed, shrunk, beaten with heavy sticks, and even forced to watch a video on the effects of global warming. There are satanic animals in your forests, and one snake bite in nearby Canada gave me Super Aids. I'm glad I let that snuke go off. That's right, I said it. I am glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad.
I wonder if he's glad?
I know already that any requests for leniency shall go unheard. All I ask is that you make it quick, and do not torture me or force me to torture myself by throwing me on one dark ship with no weapons and some creepy creature stalking me the way I have stalked so many others. Please?