As is tradition with Twitter, the most obscure holidays pop up in the ‘trending’ section. ‘Twitch’ was trending for what felt like a week, for reasons unknown to me. But today, it’s cow appreciation day apparently and I need something to write about. So let’s take a look at some notable cows in video games.
The Bioware twitter account was getting into the festivities.
This cow was a real, certified, son of a yak. You can try and pet this space cow, but turn your back on it and those grubby little paws are gonna find themselves in your pockets. Credits go bye bye around this thieving bovine. Mass Effect lead designer was credited with saying: “You can’t trust any animal that can milk itself.” I, for one, agree.
Not only was the cow a thief, it was also immortal. It only takes one shot to “kill” the animal, but it would just respawn and show up again. Once you shot it, you still couldn’t get your credits back. Purportedly its anus contained a portal to a pocket dimension, where it stashed all the loot.
How fitting that just as I’m about to write this part, the song ‘Donut planes’ from super mario kart starts playing on this awesome 24/7 video game music stream.
I’ve never actually played Mario Kart 8, but I can imagine the amount of people who’ve screamed: “Get the fuck outa the road!” To a cow who couldn’t care less if it’s own mother was being milked by four farmers at the same time. Maybe someone modded the game, so if you hit one with a koopa shell, it explodes into steaks.
Once upon a time, this was a witcher named Geralt of Rivia. This witcher was very poor, but this witcher was also very cold. He prowled to white orchard, where there are cows. But all he saw was opportunity for some lucrative buffoonery. He hacked, he slashed, and he skinned their humps. Obviously the type of man who requires frequent use of pumps. Eventually the cows had enough, but this witcher was much too tough. So outside help is what the cows needed, the Bovine Defense force is who they heeded.
Alright, that’s enough. In the Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. Players found an exploit where you could keep killing cows, and selling their hide for infinite money at the very beginning of the game. With patch 1.05, the developers made it so if a player kills six cows, a powerful monster, the Chort of White Orchard, would attack the player.
I like to think that lore wise, it was the cows that sought magical help and employed the chort for protection against Geralt. They were also the ones who leaked information to the taxman that shows up within the Hearts of Stone expansion.
Neither of them were particularly impressive pokemon. Milktank had decent defense, but with the heft of a Volkswagen, it couldn’t move much. They could both learn hyper beam, so that was something. Taurus could have proven troublesome for some in Pokemon Crystal’s battle tower. It could also be frustrating losing to Whitney of Goldenrod gym’s Miltank. The rollout attack could be devastating.
I never did try and make them bang in the day-care center. But I doubt it would have resulted in anything shiny. Regardless, they are both bovine, and thus deserve a spotlight. I remember watching the show and all of a sudden, Ash had his own herd of Tauros’. The safari zone episode where he got them was banned because there was a gun in the episode. I Guess nobody remembers this:
That’s it for me. I gotta moo-sey on down to bed. Which video game cows come to your mind? Let me know in the comments.
Papito Qinn is into the whole YouTube thing, is the winner of the 2016 SpookTAYcular Scary Story Contest, and a twitter incompetent. “It’s not like Americans are squeamish about guns being near their kids.”