I'm really feeling it!
I'm really feeling it!
Illustration for article titled Backlog Update: I Have No Interest In Finishing Donkey Kong 64.

Collect-a-thons are not fun. Sorry, Banjo fans, but the start of that racing game thing Microsoft made was on the money.


(Also, Microsoft just announced a new Banjo-Kazooie game. It’s a sequel to Nuts and Bolts - Nuts and Bolts 2: Modern Warfare Simulator. It’s a car-crafting zombie survival game with realistic firearms and roguelike elements. Also, there are zombies and “wacky” humour. Will launch in 2016 for the early access price of $79.99.)

Seriously though. DK64 is like a microcosm of game collecting in general. It’s really fun, but it goes fucking nowhere, and that feeling of, “Wait, why am I doing this?” haunts the whole game like a canker sore on the tip of your tongue.


It also suffers from trying to do waaaaay too much at once. Like, it’s cool that there’s five Kongs with their own unique abilities, but the games suffers because there are too many abilities. Instead of designing a game with good puzzles and respectable challenges, most of the experience boils down to having the right Kong with the right ability at the right time. Since you can’t swap Kongs on the fly (you have to find a special barrel), it just because tedious and not-fun to see a room clearly designed for a different Kong than the one you’re currently using, only to find three more Kong-specific switches, two more Kong-specific weapon targets, and one more Kong-specific enemy on the way to the switching barrel.

And at the end of the day, any fun that the game may have had in music, art direction, or cool abilities, it’s all lost in the pure tedium of the experience. There’s nothing to move the game forward, and short of a percentage metre on the file select screens, there’s not a whole lot to indicate a sense of progression. You unlock new areas, but there’s no goal except, “collect enough things before you can move to the next area”. Basically, the whole game is MMO sidequests, and none of them are particularly fun or otherwise engaging. It feels more like calculus - “Oh, I need this thing to unlock this thing. Hoorah.”


Well, you know what, DK64? You kind of suck. I don’t recommend this game at all. Not even for its (and I mean this affectionately) terrible rap video. People be like, “Rare is the tits, they made the best stuff EVER before M$ bought them!” But I gotta be honest - outside of the original three DKC games, I have not liked a single Rare game I’ve played. Goldeneye is overrated as hell, Star Fox Adventures was god-awful, Banjo was not fun, Blast Corps was terrible, and I have no idea what people see in Battletoads outside of “lawl, it’s hard”.

But he best thing about this game? The obnoxious yellow cartridge. I really like the colour.


Anyway. For those wondering, I have been playing through Front Mission: Gun Hazard as well. It’s a GREAT game, but it’s kinda repetitive, so I’ve been playing it in chunks. I’m about halfway done it now, and I’ve put on some cheats to avoid having to grind (<3 Retron 5), but it’s good. I definitely recommend it.

As for my next game? No idea.

Some notes:
- Here is my backlog: http://backloggery.com/pyramidheadcra…. Suggestions would be appreciated, if something stands out as a game I absolutely must play through.
- In an interesting swap, I’m trading my Power Base Converter, three game (R-Type, Kenseiden and Captain Silver) in for a 4GB 360 Slim. 8-bit games are really not at all appealing to me.
- I’m also considering getting rid of my Gameboy and its collection, including a Special Pikachu Edition GBC console, Pokemon Yellow, Pokemon Gold, Pokemon Blue and some accessories. Maybe throw it up on eBay as a lot for $200 flat or something.



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