Simple idea: who would win in single combat? Winner gets the prize, loser gets zapped to the cornfield.

Carl Jung with some throwing stars and motorcycles for legs versus Sigmund Freud with Excalibur.

Prize: The right to claim the role as the father of modern psychology.

First thoughts: well Excalibur might seem pretty powerful, but it only allows one to be the king of all Britons, whatever those are. I mean does it have any special effects for an Austrian and what use is an effect which gives the wielder merely a constitutional position in the government-in modern times of course. Meanwhile Carl Jung has throwing stars, a weapon we know him to have deadly accuracy with historically. Some even argue his skill with ninjitsu is half the reason his ideas were even published in the first place. That’s the origin of the line we remember when we think of Jung: “Hüten Sie sich vor Jung er aus dem Schatten fällt” or roughly “Beware Jung for he strikes from the shadows like a cat.”

Where things get interesting: Obviously having motorcycles for legs will limit his ability to really strike from the shadows but Jung still has the advantage of using a ranged weapon. That’s when Freud pulls out his “powers of the subconscious” trick and enters Jung’s own mind. From there the fight probably plays out like a scanner fight from the film Scanners.


Winner gets to fight: Abraham Maslow who wields a shoulder fired missile. Yep, just like the picture you remember from the history books.



Mick Jagger with a giant pair of bird wings growing from his back versus werewolf Jimi Hendrix and the Jimi Hendrix Experience.

Prize: The right to claim their band was the most important of the 1960s rockers.

First thoughts: We all knew eventually Jagger would become a bird but who expected Hendrix and his band to become werewolves. I always saw Hendrix as more of a vampire type. Anyways it’s 3 versus 1, but Jagger has the vertical advantage here. This could easily turn into a stalemate, so we’ll provide everyone with blowguns and darts tipped with a fast acting poison. Also if Jagger just gets bit but not killed early in the fight could he turn into the first flying lycanthrope? Interesting question.


Where things get interesting: That’s not even his final form – Jagger goes full Cockatrice in the battle and gains the ability of petrifying glance and low light vision. Also this transformation grants the title “world’s biggest cockatrice.” Just a shot away.

Winner gets to fight: Octopus Ringo Starr. Yep, they’ll find themselves in an Octopuses Garden of pain. (I am so sorry) (I’m not sorry) Really we never had any doubt the beatles would win out as the most important rockers of the 60s, but werewolves man!


Patrick Stewart in T-51b power armor versus Liam Neesan commanding a small army of robodogs.


Prize: The right to claim their role as the best Bethesda stunt casting ever.

First Thoughts: Obviously the robodogs are a big concern for Stewart, whose 50 plus years of acting experience almost seal the contest right there, but power armor is insanely broken.

Where things get interesting: Liam Neesan has grown addicted to Stealth Boys, while Stewart might have the armor advantage Neesan is everything Wells feared when he penned “The Invisible Man” only with robodogs.


Winner gets to fight: Super Mutant Behemoth Max von Sydow, the only Super Mutant to have had a role in an Ingmar Bergman film. A Super Mutant that brings a lot of gravitas and a lot of class to the fight.


Bonus bout: A Magneto who controls sharks instead of metals versus a “returned form an apocalyptic future” Dan Rather who is now a cyborg and wears a leather jacket. He smokes Lucky Strikes cause he’s a bad boy.