If y'all didn't know, I've got a blog where I do reviews of beers and also terrible movies. Thought it'd be relevant here, since y'all just watched Sharknado and all.
My buddy Dave had been talking this beer up to me, and he works at one of those bars that serve beers in branded goblets, so I was inclined to take him at his word when he said it was good. Here's what it looks like.
The pour is pretty much Coke brown. Not much to it. And it smells exactly like Coke tastes. Imagine you're screaming in pain, molten caramel being poured over your head by a buff shirtless dude while your hot sister watches and mutters something about how you're not a real dragon. That's how this beer smells.
The mouthfeel is nothing special, and neither is the taste, at least, at first. I was left wondering when the kick would come. You know that feeling you get when, in one bite, you eat a Twinkie you deep-fried in rendered whale fat? That's kinda what drinking this beer is like.
But then the aftertaste comes, and I can't even come up with a clever metaphor. The aftertaste just tastes like scotch. Not, like, scotch beer, just plain scotch.
So I guess what I'm saying is that unless you like Twinkies deep-fried in rendered whale fat and scotch, you should probably avoid this beer.
But if you don't like Twinkies deep-fried in rendered whale fat and scotch, you should probably take a long look at your life and the decisions that led you to this point.
It's funny that my first post in 6 months is a review of a movie that SyFy heavily promoted as viewership dwindled, trying to reclaim the demographic that watched MegaShark Versus Giant Octopus those long years ago.
Let's see if I can ride this gravy train along with them. (Like, reblog, and share this post on all your favorite social media sites! #beersandbmovies #omg #killmenow)
You've seen the trailer, you know it's dumb. I'm assuming your question is the same as mine as I started to watch: Will it be fun?
And to be honest, I don't have a solid answer for you. The past two days for me have involved, in addition to this movie, drunken Pictionary, watching a soccer match, dungeons and dragons, and this one time I had to wear another dude's pants around my waist like a towel or skirt or something.
If I'm being honest, Sharknado was the low point of my weekend.
That's not to say the movie doesn't have its redeeming qualities. I'm going to blow my load early and say that, yes, this movie is fun. It's very fun.
There's lots of scenes with sharks and chainsaws, and to the movie's credit, unlike MegaShark Versus Giant Octopus, there's a pretty decent amount of action. People get crushed by the Hollywood sign, sharks get shotgunned in the face at least 3 times, and there's this one time a child has her dad eaten right in front of her, and as the room fills with blood, someone remarks "must be that time of the month".
Watching the first bit of this movie with friends was great. We all laughed alternately with, and at, the movie, waiting for the Sharknami that begins the movie to turn into the Sharknado that ends it. It was...fun.
But I have a couple of problems with the movie, and they kind of killed it a little for me. The actors themselves didn't seem to want to be there. It's not like Snakes on a Plane, where everyone is just there to have fun and be ridiculous, and it's not like 2-Headed Shark Attack, where the fun comes from the actors really trying hard to, you know, act. Tara Reid is just there for her check, and makes it clear with every line she delivers. The rest don't fare much better, except for this one dude from New Zealand who actually seems to be having fun.
Of course, he dies two-thirds of the way through the movie.
The other, bigger problem here, is the whole thing...
It's a full-length YouTube video. And not even, like, a good one. It's like, a full-length smosh video. Or Ray William Johnson.
It's focus grouped and designed, frame by frame, as a social media campaign. Tweets flew up on screen in the middle of the movie— people were suggesting titles for the already-announced sequel.
The movie wasn't made to be seen, or even to make a quick buck. It was made to be talked about. To go viral.
And it makes me sick that it worked. I enjoyed this movie. Not, like, a lot, but there were some awesome scenes of sharks falling on people and sharks eating people and people shooting sharks. Again, it was fun. Fun to watch. Like an episode of Seinfeld that you kind of remember seeing half of one time. But it's a #trap. There's no #soul.
But I was suckered in. I'm no better than the people that tweeted in @SyFy #Sharknado 2: Sharknado Harder. Hell, for all intents and purposes, I'm worse. I'm writing a fucking review of the damn thing.
Maybe it'll get me trending on twitter.
Verdict: Watch it.