This may sound ridiculous, but I’m not good at every game I play. In fact, half the time I don’t even know what I’m doing. Blind Run is a series of stories about me playing games the wrong way.
I should probably mention a few things before we get on with this: I don’t really know anything about dribbleball. All I know about the game is you get points by getting nets, that Hoosiers is a mandatory viewing for anyone who has ever lived in Indiana, and the lyrics of Space Jam.
Second: I have no idea how I got this game. I think I may have gotten a coupon for it a while back during one of the holiday sale, but I don’t remember ever using it. So how I got World Basketball Manager 2010 is beyond me.
With that in mind, let’s just get this thing started already.
I've made a terrible mistake.
Well…This is it. World Basketball Manager 2010. I really don’t know what I was expecting from a game that literally took thirty seconds to download. No music, no sound effects, nothing. The only thing that resembles graphics is a spinning basketball that sometimes shows up in the corner.
Keep your Crysis 3s. This is all I need.
Well, let’s get a new game going then. Game name? Um…
"Probably"? I can't even believe how optimistically naive I am.
Now we got to make a coach.
That’s right! Through some kind of freak temporal occurrence, French romantic novelist, Victor Hugo, has become a coach in the year 2009! As you can see, he is the best at coaching. I’m not so sure what psychology and being young has to do with basketball. Probably nothing important. Also, he coaches for North Korea.
I honestly got nothing to add. Just lulz.
Now take a look at this:
This shall all be mine.
Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a menu or anything. This is gameplay. I don’t…I don’t even know where to go from here. Just look at this! What do I do? How do I play? What’s with that map? Is that my team at the top? And why is this August 15th, 2009? This is World Basketball Manager 2010, dammit!
I clicked on my team name. That’s my team. It’s practically nonexistent. OK, time to go buy some players or whatever it is North Korea does to get a team of basketball players.
"Citizenship." That's cute.
Now that I’ve assembled the greatest army of 6-foot Koreans I could ever ask for, it’s time to go win some games…so how…how do I play a game? Do I click National Competitions or something? Nope. That doesn’t do anything. But I take a look at all the other leagues out there.
Oh. My. GOD.
Not only was Victor Hugo transported to 2010, he seems to have landed in a parallel universe! The Chucago Bolls? Weshington Wuzards? UTEH FLIPPN’ JEZZ?!? I dub this reality “DerpEarth.”
So after some more clicking, I’m still no closer to actually progressing. But I did find my team’s schedule. So we’re set for a “friendly” match against Chile in four days. I just have to figure out how to jump to that day, and we’re good.
I sent a 19th century French writer to 2009 to be a coach. How hard could this be?
So let’s see. If I click on the date at the top, I can choose to skip to the next day. Let’s give that a try and what happens on-
Ok. It’s still August 15th. it just sent me back to the same screen. Maybe I’ll just try to skip to the match and see if that-
Maybe I don’t have enough players? I’ll hire some more and-
Maybe I have to many now. Let’s just get rid of a-
OK! Now everybody in North Korea is on my team! Are you happy now, game?!
That’s it. It’s over. Whatever time anomaly brought Victor Hugo to August 15th, 2009 has stranded him there forever. All he can do now is gaze longingly at his map, knowing that he will never be able to go back to Peris. Never again shall he spend an sail on the Saene Revur Never again shall he visit the Luevre. And never again shall he climb to the Aefful Tewor. World Basketball Manager 2010, you are the cruelest fate a Frenchman could receive.
And that is the story of how The Hunchback of Nutre-Dome was lost forever...