I'm really feeling it!
I'm really feeling it!
Illustration for article titled Bowser Refusing to Spend Another Valentine’s Day Alone

BOWSER’S CASTLE – With the annual celebration of romantic relationships only days away, King Bowser Koopa declared today that he has no intention of spending yet another Valentine’s Day all by himself in his immense, cold, empty castle.


“Nope, not again,” the Koopa potentate was overheard telling members of his royal court. “Not this year.”

His majesty’s announcement reportedly came on the heels of a message from Waluigi abruptly canceling his long-anticipated singles party, citing that he “met someone,” leaving Bowser without any other arrangements for the upcoming holiday.


Last year, I swore I wouldn’t be alone this year on Valentine’s Day,” he protested loudly. “Five years in a row it’s already been. I’ve had enough. I can’t take it anymore.”

“I’m going to do something about it.”

News of the threatened, record-breaking, sixth consecutive year of the King going solo on Valentine’s Day swept through the castle, alerting staff and setting into motion special procedures for the scenario.


“He’s looking at the old photo albums, isn’t he? The ones with you know who?” asked Magikoopa. Upon confirmation, the senior military advisor tilted his blue-cloaked head towards the sky and groaned wearily.

Sources close to the throne indicate that suggestions to avert the inevitable outcome have been angrily and sometimes violently dismissed.


“Daisy…? DAISY? YOU THINK I SHOULD CALL DAISY? THAT’S YOUR BRIGHT IDEA? DO YOU KNOW HOW STUPID YOU ARE?” bellowed King Koopa, only taking his eyes from the childhood photos long enough to roar fire at the offending minion.

Bowser returned to scanning the album’s pages, searchingly, until he finally stopped and put a great, thick, clawed finger onto a worn photo. He looked silently, softly at the young pair in it, standing posed next to each other.


“You know what we have to do, right?” Bowser asked his audience after a while.

His audience nodded.

“We have to kidnap the Princess.”


@TheMushroomNews + themushroomnews@gmail

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