As everyone knows by now, Twix is an excellent candy, but it has one glaring flaw, one that I hope we can correct.

Since this is a website about snacks and absolutely nothing else, I thought I would take advantage and be a voice of reason.

You see, 10 years ago, 20 years, 25 years ago, (ugh), Twix was not content to come in merely two flavors. Twix came in four flavors, three of which were marvelous, and how “Peanut Butter” managed to survive at all, I will never know.

Currently, Twix can only be found in two flavors, “Caramel”, and “Peanut Butter”; “Caramel” being a wonderful candy, even if you don’t happen to like coconut. I’m not counting the occasional White Chocolate, because that seems to be a seasonal and regional thing and it’s not really what Twix is all about, man.

“Peanut Butter” is not good, it never was good, and a solid method of determining sociopathic behavior is to gauge someone’s enjoyment of “Peanut Butter” Twix. It has the makings of a top notch candy bar, and on paper, sure, it’s great. Everyone loves chocolate, and peanut butter, and cookies. The chocolate is fine, the cookie has that Twix crunch that we all know and love.

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Trash Bars

But, man. That peanut butter they use is basically spreadable cockroach poison. It’s dry and chalky, it burns away the chocolate and cookie it has been shoved into like some kind of candy acid, and it leaves your mouth feeling like it’s made of tire mulch. It’s useless bullshit.

Chocolate Fudge and Cookies-n-Creme Twix USED to fill the shelves, making it so you didn’t accidentally buy a PB Twix while filling your Big Gulp. Both were good sets of candy. Chocolate Fudge was a bit boring, but solid. I’ll let this commercial explain.

Cookies-n-Creme was much, much, better. For a candy bar brand that is proud of its crunch, you would think that they would lead with their best food forward, highlighting the “cookie” in their name. I mean, it had cookies, which we have established are good, and creme, and inside of the creme, were little bits of more cookie. They may as well have been “Oreo Strips”, without the crappy Oreo cookie part.

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Allow this to explain. Like the previous commercial, we learn that it is, Good News.

But, alas, the world is madness.

Look, Surge is back. Ecto-Cooler is on the way back. There’s absolutely no reason Cookies-n-Creme Twix can’t come back.

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It’s time, Mars. Do the right thing. Bring in a third competing flavor, like I don’t know, Cinnamon Raisin or some shit, it doesn’t have to matter, and make people vote on it, just like that Lay’s does every 6 minutes now. People like rooting for stuff. Real American Gladiators style.

Be opportunistic and exploit the Presidential Election if you have to. I don’t care. Just get it done.

Feel free to take PB Twix off the shelf too. You don’t need to be in the pockets of Big Peanut Butter anymore, Mars.

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Fill out this form on the Twix website and let your voice be heard!

Poey Gordon is a fiction writer and poet living in the Bay Area.

Follow him on Twitter at ThePoey for more about comics, Gilligan’s Island 2K1 fan fiction, or decades old Simpson’s quotes. You can email him at josephpatrick.gordon@gmail.com