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College woes + Subvocalization is a bitch

I’ll be very frank with y’all. The past couple of weeks have been mindnumbingly brutal on me.

When I came back to college, I thought that things would go back to normal after spending an entire term working solely on an academic paper and nothing else. But as soon as the first day of class ended, stress and anxiety started to overflow my mind and body, leading to incessant heart flutters and concentration woes that prevented me from studying as well as I usually did.

I feared that my grades would take a massive hit as a result of my mental agony, and my intolerance of noise and peccadilloes increased exponentially. I started becoming unintentionally more aggressive and my self-confidence took a sharp nosedive. It even got to the point where I suffered a panic attack that left me completely unable to study for the night and had me in tears. Long story short, I was going through hell (and that’s even after sending accommodation letters to my professors).

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Things did start to get slightly better as the weeks went on: my grades were great, and the faculty recognized my willingness to push on and succeed in spite of my plight.

Just when I thought my worries were going away, I made a terrible discovery earlier today: I started to read at a snail’s pace. I couldn’t help but read and re-read sentences several times (even though I understood what they meant), which ate away at my studying and spare time. After doing some research, I was shocked to find out that I was suffering from a habit called subvocalization (Google it and you’ll see what I mean).

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This is incredibly bothersome since I have a lot of reading assignments to do this term and a slow reading speed is essentially a literary death sentence. I was so obsessed with memorizing every word (mainly for testing purposes) that it even spread to my spare time, meaning that I have trouble reading textbooks and online articles at a consistent and moderate pace.

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I really, REALLY need to find a way to minimize the effects of my current habit before they worsen. Unfortunately I have already requested several academic accommodations from my professors, and I do not wish to wear their patience with my ongoing difficulties.

Right now I feel incredibly lonely and powerless since I have very few folks to turn to when I’m down on my luck, and the campus atmosphere has become unbearable for an introvert like me. I always feel the urge to lock myself up in a room and study in peace. I can’t even study in my room, let alone sleep, due to my excessively rackety apartment mates (who keep pulling pranks by moving furniture haphazardly and making loud, obnoxious noises in the middle of the night).

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Okay, rant over. I sincerely apologize for the suddrn and gloomy post, but I had to vent my frustration and seek support from people whom I could relate to. I feel so heartbroken :’(

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