Today I will be cleansing my gaming soul and admitting to all of the terrible atrocities I have committed against the holy medium of video games. Be warned- this will not be for the faint of heart. These deeds are so shameful that any pious gamer will reel in disgust upon reading of them. This is the only way to free myself of my burden, to shake off the regret that haunts my every thought. These are my gaming sins. Hear them, and dismay.

I haven’t played Final Fantasy VII

Or any other Final Fantasy that counts. VII is supposed to be the good one, I think. I dunno though, it kind of looks like rat vomit that’s been somehow condensed into a video game? At least visually. Maybe the writing is the good part?

I prefer playing games on console over PC

I am sorry, my neckbearded superiors. I cannot join your master race. I will play games on PC, but I will always enjoy them less by doing so. I work at a computer. Games are not supposed to be work.

I have used a guide to finish almost every Zelda game that I’ve played

And I call myself a Zelda fan. Its frankly disgusting that I would even consider doing such a thing, let alone make a habit of it. I know, I know, I should WANT to spend hours searching every crevice in Hyrule to find the random rock that I have to teleport to Zora’s Domain to break the ice. I should be able to FEEL the small key in the first room of the dungeon that doesn’t even seem like it’s part of the dungeon proper. Pour some acid on my tattoo of the Hylian Crest, I don’t deserve it anymore.

Advertisement

I don’t like NES games

“But… but they’re the best! Everyone likes the original Mario! And Zelda! That one’s good, right?” I’m sorry my friends. To me, these games look… well about like Final Fantasy VII I guess. No need to come up with a new horrible simile. And they play even worse. Not one of them features tight or satisfying controls, and they are deliberately designed to be difficult in the most irritating ways imaginable. Super Nintendo is my jam, but I can’t stand anything older than that. I will be sure to recite ten “hail Palutenas” to repent.

Skyrim sucks

That one’s not a sin. I just figured if I’m already pissing people off, might as well get it all out at once.

Advertisement

Ahhh… I feel much better. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It turns out that sarcastically listing my slightly to moderately objectionable gaming opinions was the solution to all of my worries! I’m refreshed and ready to write a proper article for tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll manage something with a little less salt directed at nonexistent aggressors.