I’ve come to the conclusion that reviews can be boring. There I said it. No one wants to read my reviews if I just list pros, cons, and a summary. Boooooorrriiiinnnggg....SO. I’ve decided, like a game designer who realizes there’s nothing new under the sun, to start combining things... Orrrrrrr I just watched Nymphomaniac Vol I and the guy can’t stop talking about Fly Fishing as a metaphor for nymphomania and that sort of random juxtaposition made me want to make a pizza THANKS LARS VON TRIER. Here we will be making a homemade pizza and also seeing how WolfGuy is really just a metaphor for Pizza, or is Pizza just a metaphor for WolfGuy?!

WolfGuy is a novel written by Kazumasa Hirai and translated by Edward Lipsett which has been adapted from a Manga written in 2007 which was itself created from a two part novel written by Kazumasa Hirai in 1970. The Question: Did it really need a novel? Also how’s that translation?

Pizza is a recipe that I have used since time immemorial from SeriousEats. The Question: Is it Delicious? When is a Raven like a Writing Desk?

Step 1: Pizza ingredients vs. WolfGuy ingredients

This recipe is enough to make two 10” skillet pizzas. One pizza realistically feeds two people if one of those people doesn’t like pizza. Make two. They don’t take too long to cook, I promise.(You’re going to need a 10” cast iron skillet which you should already have if you ever have stepped foot in your kitchen)

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  • 400 grams (14 ounces, about 2 1/2 cups) bread flour
  • 10 grams (.35 ounces, about 2 teaspoons) kosher salt, plus more for sprinkling
  • 4 grams (.15 ounces, about 1/2 teaspoon) instant yeast
  • 275 grams (9.5 ounces, about 1 cup plus 3 tablespoons) water
  • 8 grams (.25 ounces, about 2 teaspoons) extra-virgin olive oil, plus more to coat pans and drizzle

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Throw all that stuff together (I add more yeast because I do this the morning of, rather than the night before, and my yeast is a little long in the tooth) in a bowl and mix it. I use my stand mixer because it was expensive and its feelings are hurt when I don’t use it.

Pizza dough uses very common, very inexpensive ingredients to make something amazing. WolfGuy uses very common, very cheap tropes, to make something incredibly trite. To make WolfGuy you will need:

  • Badass Main Character with shady past, mysterious abilities, lack of speech, and a bad attitude
  • Woman who obviously, despite being yelled at and being treated like absolute garbage, falls in love with Badass Main Character - is obviously fridged to provide motivation for final showdown.
  • Obnoxious female character who is wanton
  • Obnoxious female character who is weak and wants to be like BMC
  • Potentially even more badass villain, who is evil, because he doesn’t do anything. ANYTHING. Seriously, even in the final fight he basically brandishes a sword and then has a heart attack and dies.
  • Sidekick to Badass Villain who serves to highlight how badass the main villain is, as his fridging does not move Villain to fight.

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The story of pizza is that one day people were hungry and decided that bread could be improved upon. The lord of Bread, Lord Furbamon decreed that he would allow it as long as all agreed that the slicing of White Bread would now be the Gold Standard by which all other things were measured. The Lord Furbamon showed the people how adding tomato paste and cheese enhanced the flavor of bread.

The story of WolfGuy is that mysterious stranger Akira Inugama shows up, gets beaten, refuses to fight, gets beaten, teacher falls in love with him, bad guy falls in love with him and can’t get him off his mind, he is beaten, bad guy feels strange overwhelming desire to be “better” than Akira, Akira saves teacher from rapists, teacher is raped by villain, Akira kills bad guy. The end.

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Interspersed are wonderful descriptions such as,

  • The slightly nibbled moon hung stately in the heavens, and below it, the barking of dogs was rolling up
  • Even after she changed in to her negligee and lay down, her strangely alert, and her eyes refused to mind was shut
  • “Damn spoiled brats! You really are spoiled! I’ve come this far relying only on me. I’m a hell of a lot different from you damn little bonbons that don’t know what effort is, Little Lord Fauntleroys with doting parents. I take care of myself. I don’t need anybody’s help. I don’t expect anybody to rescue me. Just what do you think you can do? You depend on other people for everything! Stop your pretending! Damn Spineless sheep!” Lightning was flashing from his eyes. What incredible pride, what tremendous confidence! Akiko clucked her tongue, watching from the sidelines. A numbing heat throbbed through her loins.

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When making a pizza you have to pay careful attention and love to each and every one of your ingredients. If you put too much cheese or not enough sauce you can ruin the pizza. WolfGuy only cares about Akira and the women are there to have sex with or to be killed. This does not, good writing make.


Step 2: Beatings

  • Beat your dough well. It will form into a dough ball, where it will incubate until it is time to be beaten again. Let the dough ball rise for 8 hours at least or overnight if you’re not into waiting for 8 hours. Knead it by hand on a floured surface. Wait 1 hour while the dough rises again..
  • Akira is beaten. He forms a hard little dough ball that no one can penetrate. Then Akiko shows him some love and he begins to incubate feelings for her for 8 hours. Then she is beaten and it’s time for Akira to become a Pizza real wolfman.

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Step 3: Make a Pizza

  • Pizza is not very hard work. You mix in some ingredients and out pops something edible.
  • Writing WolfMan was not very hard work. You mix in some tired tropes and out pops something readable.
  • To make your pizza for real:
  1. Oil up your skillet, preheat oven to 450F
  2. Put dough on the skillet and flatten it out to the corners (use half of dough for this, as the recipe makes enough for 2 pizzas)
  3. Add pizza sauce, cheese, onion, green peppers, children’s souls, ethics in game journalism, and sierra mist on top of the dough.
  4. Put it in the oven for 12 minutes.
  5. Burn the everloving bejeesus out of your hands removing the dough from your skillet. Seriously. Be careful.
  6. Repeat using other toppings for the second pizza and reduce cook time by about a minute or two as your pan is already hot now. Other toppings may include but are not limited to, chicken, bbq sauce, cheese.

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Step 4: Enjoy, or Don’t

  • You may now kiss the bride. eat the pizza. If you did a good job, your pizza will be delicious.
  • You may now go read WolfGuy. I’d kind of recommend against it though, as the teapot from Beauty and the Beast says it’s a, “tale as old as time.”

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For a more formal review of something, read AFI’s take on KFC’s Chizza