WILMINGTON – Sources have reported that, after four years of marriage, local couple Jake and Sandy Moore filed for divorce today, signaling the start of what is forecasted to be a long, bitter legal dispute between the once-in-love pair.
When asked to describe the main reason for the divorce, Mrs. Moore's attorney, Lauren Price, was quoted as saying that the couple mutually agrees that there are "previously unknown, irreconcilable differences between them that did not come to light until after they had married and the couple began gaming together." Price went on to say that, "It is simply not in the best interests of either person to continue this marriage."
Through Duncan Troy, his attorney, Mr. Moore released the following statement: "I loved Sandy, truly I did. But, because of what I know about her now – from the way she plays video games – I can't see myself in the future with somebody like that."
"I just believe that how you play a game tells someone a lot about you. And so, until I started gaming with Sandy, I hadn't realized that I was married to the devil."
In a mediation session today, with counsel for both sides present, the Moores submitted to the video recording of them playing various games together for independent evaluation.
During Super Smash Brothers Melee, the frustrations and incompatibilities of the pair became immediately apparent.
"Do you know any moves other than the lightning bolt from above? Or is it gonna be just that same move over and over?" barbed Jake Moore, a landscape architect, playing as Captain Falcon, as he was hit by a bolt from the electric mouse controlled by his wife.
"What did you say? I can barely hear you over the endless drone of the words 'FALCON PUNCH' blasting me from the television," answered Sandy Moore, licensed vocational nurse. "Your goddamn fucking falcon punch."
Duncan Troy, counsel for Mr. Moore, interjected: "I think what we're seeing here is clear evidence of Mrs. Moore's irrationality. Just look at the way she focuses all her attacks on my client. Does she want the AI to win instead? The way she's going, it looks pretty clear to me, that is going to happen."
Next, to exhibit their ability to work together as a team, the Moores embarked on a co-operative campaign through Battleblock Theater.
"You know, we've tried this exact same mission at least ten times now," said Mrs. Moore, watching the man she once loved with unconcealed contempt. "How do you still not know where to go and what to do? It's not like the level has changed. IT NEVER CHANGES."
Lauren Price, counsel for Mrs. Moore, added: "I believe it's important to note here that Mr. Moore never disclosed his... learning disability... before proposing marriage to my client. Given the apparent severity of it, I'm inclined to suspect that..."
"ARE YOU EVEN TRYING RIGHT NOW?" yelled Sandy Moore, over her attorney, as she watched her husband's avatar clumsily fall into a pit of spikes. "SERIOUSLY."
"Well, dear, it might easier for me to focus if I didn't have the shrill screech of your demon harpy voice constantly telling me where to go and what to do," answered Mr. Moore, falling again into the same pit of spikes.
Lastly, following a short recess, the couple submitted their respective houses in Animal Crossing into the record.
"Well, let's take a look, shall we?" said Sandy Moore, her voice full of derision. "You have chosen to put into your home: a cabana screen, a ranch tea table, a kiddie bed and desk, and a jingle-themed piano and clock. Your floor and walls are decorated light pink on bright pink with hearts. And then, for some insane reason, your basement is filled completely with oranges. It's like a goddamn maniac lives there."
Jake Moore scoffed and rolled his eyes emphatically. "Really? You – you, of all people – are trying to make me look crazy?"
"Which one of us spent months, literally months, collecting every last item in this game and then crammed seemingly all of the most useless shit into our house, Sandy? Is there even a bed inside of your hoarder's den of insanity, or would you rather cozy up on one of your five end tables?"
At the conclusion of the mediation session, lawyers for the couple agreed that the differences are totally irreconcilable and that it was best to proceed directly to the long and acrimonious process of dissolution, beginning with the fair division of their assets.
"Let me just say, if she thinks she's getting any of my Super Nintendo games, I'm asking for a restraining order right now," said Mr. Moore.
And they lived happily ever after at firstname.lastname@example.org