So it’s October and we all know what that means!
Pumpkin spiced crap SCARY TIMES!!! Kidechka and I are going to be watching the spookiest of spooky movies and I’ll let you know whether they’re worth your time and maybe Kidechka will pop up and give you her two cents as well. In this installment we look at Birdemic, V/H/S: Viral, and The Gift.
First up we watched Birdemic. This movie was bad. Terribly terribly, hilariously, you really should watch it, bad. It had the acting quality of a 10th grade, “Annie get your gun,” musical. They need to fire their audio technician as the sound cut in and out throughout their movie.
As an example of how bad this movie is (and why you must watch it) - Take this scene. In it the birds have attacked (probably because of all those fossil fuels that we humans, the real monsters, use). The main character, Bland Guy has teamed up with Army Guy because bland guy lost his keys somewhere. They take coat hangers to fend off the birds. Now this screenshot looks bad but you really have to see it in action to appreciate it. The birds wings flap but they otherwise do not move. Bland guy and Model Girlfriend valiantly flail coat hangers at the birds while army guy gets the car started. It’s silly and ridiculous. Also Model Girlfriend can’t stop laughing through this whole movie. All in all I’d say this is the best PSA about global warming dressed up as a Z grade horror film I’ve ever seen (I’m not kidding. At one point Creepy Uncle Ted pops up and gives a sermon about redwoods and how humans are killing them. Bland Guy is a billionaire green tech startup. There’s a random scene where Bland Guy gets a solar panel installed that makes Chekhov’s Gun misfire).
Not in the least
I’m not sure why you’re not watching it RIGHT NOW.
Next up we have the third installment of the V/H/S series, V/H/S: Viral. I had really low hopes for this movie going in for some reason. I’d enjoyed V/H/S and mostly V/H/S 2 (that stupid zombie part...ugh). But the fact that it was called “viral” made me sort of cringe.
So V/H/S follows a formula where they collect short horror films from several different directors and then create a framework by which to tell these stories. In 1 and 2 this was a house that was filled with VHS tapes and people went into the house and watched the tapes. Not the most exciting set up, but it worked in the context of the films. V/H/S Viral does away with the house and instead has a high speed car chase around Major Metropolis(tm). The car that is being chased beams the videos to people’s phones (Viral, get it). There’s a story within the movie that the chasee has kidnapped Bland Guy’s girlfriend in the first short skit of the film. The rest of the film follows the car chase and the subsequent damage and destruction that results from it.
The shorts themselves are all....OK. I’m hard pressed to think of the “weakest” or “Best” one. They were all very creative and so I can forgive a lot. The first deals with a magician and his cloak which helps him perform “real magic” but with a horrific cost. The second was about a man who learns how to travel between parallel universes, meeting his doppleganger along the way, when they decide to explore each other’s universes, they both get more than they bargained for. The third involved Tony Hawk and Friends hitting people with skateboards. The final one tied the whole thing back together again and explained what was going on with the car chase.
It’s fairly good at being creepy. Jump scares were minimal.
I’m going to go ahead and say you could do a lot worse. It’s definitely the weakest of the 3 V/H/S movies so if you haven’t seen any, I’d say start with #1, not here. Otherwise it’s a solid entry in your Halloween Scarefest movie time!
Finally we have, The Gift. This movie is more Thriller, than horror, but of the three movies, I jumped the most at this movie. The movie follows around High School Jock turned High School Business man, Michael Bluth. Michael moves to a new town and meets his old pal Gordo Ramseys. Gordo, is a creepy creep who can’t let go of the past. Michael Bluth is the one man trying to keep his family together. There’s a twist that’s not a twist at all, and the ending was ridiculous if you actually thought about it as the only person who came out scott free was the man who in theory was supposed to have just had his life ruined. Also, I’m not so convinced that I really sided with anyone in this movie. It started off pretty good but they needlessly turned one of the characters into an aggro douchebro and I get the reason, I just think the film would have been more effective if they hadn’t done it.
I jumped and screamed. Kidechka can verify. In my defense there have been creepy going ons at my house recently (doors open that I’m sure I’ve closed, the bathroom floor being wet even though no one took a shower recently, strange noises) so I’m a little on edge.
If you have a rental service nearby or a cheapo theater I’d go see it there. I spent 4 bucks for the both of us and I don’t feel like the money was wasted, but I’d not pay full price to see it. Probably not the best “Halloween” movie though.