Dear Video Game Expert: How Do I Satisfy My Murderlust?

DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT: I have a dilemma. I seek to reign bloody vengeance upon my enemies by introducing their faces to my brazenly muscular fists made of meat, bones, and brawn. However, I find that the games I play lack the certain poetic blood-explosion, when my fists careen into their bodies, that would sate my murderlust. I have tried hitting the melee button harder, to no avail, and even punched my tv in hopes that it would provide an adequate solution to my quandary. So, how can I attain the super-gore necessary to sustain me, whilst also keeping my electronics budget to a minimum?-GENERAL MCFIST

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, it’s time to take your bloody, fisty murderlust into the kitchen.

Let’s talk turkey. You’ll first need to tenderize your bird. To help this tedious chore go by more pleasantly, try punch, punch, punching it with your mighty fists. It helps to sing a little song too, like screaming “MCFIST!” with each murderous blow. You want a juicy turkey though, not a juiced turkey, so take care not to pound your protein into a smoothie or slurry-like consistency, like you would with the faces of your enemies. The temptation is not easy to resist.

Of course, it’s not Thanksgiving without mashed potatoes either. So take a few peeled potatoes, line them up next to each other, and deliver furious elbow smashes down onto their squishy potato heads. Once they are mashed like the dreams of your enemy’s children, add butter, pepper, salt, and scallions to your liking for an extra touch of magic.

Remember: to cook is to savor life by causing death. It’s a good thing.