I'm really feeling it!
I'm really feeling it!

Dear Video Game Expert: Sleepless in 2DS

Illustration for article titled Dear Video Game Expert: Sleepless in 2DS

DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT: Should I get a 2DS? -33SWM

33SWM: I understand that the intense deliberation on purchasing the Nintendo 2DS can be very stressful. One thing you can do to ease your pain is to develop a list of very hilarious, can't be serious, stringent, rigid, and racist requirements that a handheld system should meet first before you buy it.

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You can take a look at my own inspired criteria for purchasing a handheld below. Who knows, it just might help you get into the super judgmental mood you need to make this life-altering decision!

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The system has to be attractive. I like handhelds that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as it's not over weight. I will not play with a overweight or fat system. I like Nintendo handhelds that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considered overweight, they should be fine. An overweight handheld is a total deal breaker with me.

I also like handhelds with long hair. I like my Nintendo handhelds to look like a handheld, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty system. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the system. But for the most part, I love long hair. Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference.

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I will not play a Black system. I don’t care if it looks like Halle Berry, I will never ever play a Black system. However, I will play any other system, Gameboy, Game Gear, PSVita, Neo Geo Pocket, NVidia Shield, PSP Go, Xperia Play, Atari Lynx, whatever, anything except a Black one.

I do not like stickers on my handheld. If a handheld already has stickers, it may not be a deal breaker if it's something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose. It would help if I could consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done. To me, stickers just represent white trash or something that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting stickers just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The handheld system is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to put stickers on it is the same as vandalizing a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!

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I also do not like piercings on a handheld. I do not like a handheld to have anything pierced other than its control sticks. If it has other piercings it’s not a deal breaker as long as I can remove them and never wear them again.

I like a system that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a handheld in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a handheld wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels! I love it when a handheld wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs!

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Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a Nintendo handheld, it’s very important. I also love to hold the system when I am walking. And I love sleeping beside my handheld and holding it close to me, and spooning.

It doesn't matter at all to me how big or small its screens are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against screen implants, I see that as unnecessary self mutilation, and I would not want a handheld that has screen implants.

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DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT is a non-syndicated joke that provides common sense advice about video games from a youthful perspective. Track my Twitter behavior on Twitter @marshnaylor

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