33SWM: I understand that the intense deliberation on purchasing the Nintendo 2DS can be very stressful. One thing you can do to ease your pain is to develop a list of very hilarious, can't be serious, stringent, rigid, and racist requirements that a handheld system should meet first before you buy it.

You can take a look at my own inspired criteria for purchasing a handheld below. Who knows, it just might help you get into the super judgmental mood you need to make this life-altering decision!


The system has to be attractive. I like handhelds that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as it's not over weight. I will not play with a overweight or fat system. I like Nintendo handhelds that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they arenā€™t considered overweight, they should be fine. An overweight handheld is a total deal breaker with me.

I also like handhelds with long hair. I like my Nintendo handhelds to look like a handheld, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty system. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the system. But for the most part, I love long hair. Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but Iā€™m just saying if I had to choose, thatā€™s my order of preference.


I will not play a Black system. I donā€™t care if it looks like Halle Berry, I will never ever play a Black system. However, I will play any other system, Gameboy, Game Gear, PSVita, Neo Geo Pocket, NVidia Shield, PSP Go, Xperia Play, Atari Lynx, whatever, anything except a Black one.

I do not like stickers on my handheld. If a handheld already has stickers, it may not be a deal breaker if it's something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose. It would help if I could consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done. To me, stickers just represent white trash or something thatā€™s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting stickers just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The handheld system is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to put stickers on it is the same as vandalizing a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!


I also do not like piercings on a handheld. I do not like a handheld to have anything pierced other than its control sticks. If it has other piercings itā€™s not a deal breaker as long as I can remove them and never wear them again.

I like a system that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a handheld in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a handheld wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels! I love it when a handheld wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs!


Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a Nintendo handheld, itā€™s very important. I also love to hold the system when I am walking. And I love sleeping beside my handheld and holding it close to me, and spooning.

It doesn't matter at all to me how big or small its screens are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against screen implants, I see that as unnecessary self mutilation, and I would not want a handheld that has screen implants.


DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT is a non-syndicated joke that provides common sense advice about video games from a youthful perspective. Track my Twitter behavior on Twitter @marshnaylor