DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT: Why when I'm walking on the hills and plains of Gaia (FFVII) why do I get randomly attacked by invisible enemies? and how do they get their invisible status? it's so random =( sometimes I just want to enjoy the sea breeze not fighting some weird animals and/or machine!-NACH

NACH: Because life sucks forever. You and your boyfriend thought you could visit those beautiful hills and plains in Gaia - or wherever - and enjoy the perfect relationship. Wrong! Like some invisible snake in the grass who recently got a personal trainer and has been working out a ton, your "best friend" decides to "invisibly" sleep with your boyfriend! Your best friend, who you once described as a nice, shy, weird animal kind of guy. Hah! If "nice and shy" meant "couldn't wait to betray your trust over a man!" and "weird animal," meant "heartless hump machine!" In his defense, he says it just happened; it wasn't on purpose. You know what else could, in no way, be construed as on purpose? Me, going total Sephiroth, and him enjoying the sea breeze of breathing through a respirator for the rest of his life! You hear that Brett!? You mess with the bull, you get the horns, bro! Game over! Game. Over.

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DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT is a non-syndicated joke that provides common sense advice about video games from a youthful perspective. Track my Twitter behavior on Twitter @marshnaylor