Ah, E3. The magical time of the year when companies pretend to care about us and in turn, we pretend to care about them, fueling a machine of perpetual unwarranted hype, unreasonable expectations, and lies, sweet little lies. And we love it! So time for the mandatory review of the conference, this time with a little help from the boys at the Discord server that you should totally join. And I better hurry because by my calculations this piece will be irrelevant in about... 72 hours ago.
Let’s start with Bethesda then!
We Liked: Doom Eternal still looks like it’s going to kick all kinds of demonic ass and I think I speak for everyone when I say that it was the only reason we even watched the conference. That and to see how Todd would make a fool of himself. Although Ghostwire Tokyo was a surprise, I’m holding my judgment until we see some gameplay, and that’s actually a gripe I have with most of this year’s conferences: far too much CGI, not enough gameplay.
We Disliked: Ok, when people say you should start low, they don't mean the core of the fucking planet Bethesda! They opened with Fallout 76 and True Elder Scrolls Blades, and one could argue that they’re better off letting these two games die. But hey at least 76 now has human NPCs and quests, what a novel concept! Oh, and a Battle Royale mode. I don’t care, you don’t care, and the possibly paid audience doesn’t either. Why is this here? Oh God, and what did they do to you Commander Keen? Why Todd? WHY?? (I’m exaggerating to make a point here, don’t @ me telling Todd isn’t involved).
TLDR: DOOM rocks, Ikumi Nakamura rocks, Todd Howard doesn’t. Also, Aik said this was the best conference, so please tell him he’s wrong in the comment section below.
We Liked: A honest to God look at Final Fantasy 7 Remake complete with gameplay and the reveal of
Boobs McGee Tifa. Way to open with a bang. They found an interesting middle ground between ATB and real-time combat and I can’t say I hate it. It seems the only concern we all share is the episodic format: are we buying two or three separate 60 dollar releases? Can we season pass it? We don’t know and the answer will probably surprise us! Also, remasters! The excitement for these vary greatly: FF VIII got a solid meh from me, while SaGa got a solid “holy fucking shit yes give it to me” from our resident hater Hatman, a very rare sight. Shadowbringers looks solid and It might just bring me back to the world of FF XIV.
We Disliked: Avengers looks like a freaking mess and most of us agree it’s going to be a goddamn disaster. I mean, a multiplayer, episodic, GAAS hero adventure thing? It doesn’t help that the trailer didn’t look that interesting and again, no gameplay. We’ll keep an eye on that one but for all the wrong reasons.
TLDR: We’re happy you didn’t screw up FF VII, sad you did with Avengers. So, 8/10?
We Liked: Keanu Reeves. Listen, I don’t care what anyone says, the man has a face I just wanna hug and protect, and it helps that he’s gonna be in Cyberpunk 2077, a title I’m cautiously optimistic about. Although I seem to be alone on that particular hill, it is one I’m willing to die on! Also, actually showing games! Gears of War 5 sure is a Gears of War game, Spiritfarer looks absolutely charming and I need it, and the Game Pass actually has quality games in it, holy shit! There’s a little bit of everything for everyone here so, good job Microsoft.
We Disliked: The reminder that Halo Infinite exists and not much else. Really this could’ve been just a tweet cause the trailer we got shows fuck all.
TLDR: It sure was a Microsoft conference huh?
TOM CLANCY’S GACHA! I’m not even kidding, this was the only thing we took from the entire presentation. Our absolute loser of this year. Moving on.
We Liked: It’s a freaking Devolver conference, this time in Direct format. There was action, there was drama, there were production values, and they introduced a villain! The games were nice too. Personally, I was drooling over that Gundungeon arcade machine that I know I’ll never own but goddamn I can dream!
We Disliked: No Metal Wolf Chaos XD release date. How much longer will you make us wait?
TLDR: Come with Devolver if you want to live.
We Liked: Oh you want games? HERE ARE THE GAMES! Nintendo went balls to the wall and just rapid fired games on our faces! A new Breath Of The Wild? XCOM Gangsta? A good game involving the Avengers? Freaking No More Heroes 3? Remaking Panzer Dragoon? I couldn’t watch their direct (freaking college responsibilities) but the reactions on Discord were overwhelming positive and for good reason. Our clear winner of E3 by a landslide. Now if you excuse me, I need to rob a bank, so I can afford a Switch.
We Disliked: Hahahah yeah as if.
TLDR: Help me buy a Switch.
And that’s it! You surely noticed that I missed some conferences, but they were very meh or the majority of us didn’t watch them. Don’t forget to
like, comment and subscribe join the Discord server and yadda yadda you know the rest. Peace!