Well, well, well. Seems we have another Nintendo Direct on ours hands. Not just any Nintendo Direct, a Smash Bros for Wii U extravaganza, featuring "50 all new facts about the game." What are these facts? Our Smash scientists have the best predictions.*
*Predictions have an 83% chance of being correct, unless they don't.
1. Waluigi is playable. That assist trophy was a farce.
2. Kraid and Mother Brain will be DLC roster additions.
3. In the grand tration of Ice Climbers players can purchase two Mew, who will play in tandem. What could be better than two Mew?
4. Yoshi will have over 400 color choices.
5. The board game mode is called Super Smash Party Fun Time.
6. All Mario Party 2 game boards will be playable in SSPFT
7. The Wii U camera can be used to make all the targets in "Break the Targets" your face (or someone elses).
8. When you connect the 3DS and Wii U versions of the game characters will be unlocked. You can connect the systems once every day for amazing prizes!
9. Wigglytuff will be unlockable after 10 connects.
10. Paper Peach will be unlockable after 50 connects.
11. Kiddie Kong will be unlockable after 2000 connects.
12. Connecting the systems will unlock 8 new stages for the 3DS based on Nintendogs.
13. Mario's cat suit will be sold as a new skin. For Shulk. Only for Shulk.
14. Sonic will get Sonic Boom DLC skins for a mere $30.
15. When you gather every Amiibo on the gamepad at once you can play as Master Hand.
16. The Master Hand Amiibo (coming Holiday 2015) will actually be wearable.
17. Plugging in four GameCube controllers and holding down Z during Wii U start up will cause your system to boot into a secret GameCube menu.
18. A secret third Smash Bros CD will be sent to players who register all special edition 3DS XL's in the month of December.
19. Turning the Wii U upside down during play will cause all controls to reverse.
20. Everyones favorite space pilot Slippy Toad will appear as a Wii U-only assist trophy who renders your characters useless until you can "get those guys off him". His voice alone has the power of forcing you to turn off the game and do something productive with your life, like fixing that wobbling desk you said you'd look at weeks ago.
21. All Miiverese posts for Smash Bros Wii U will be limited to exclamation marks.
22. Change the sandbag into any character you like in the new "Hit That Guy With a Bat" mode.
23. Christopher Walken, makes his first Smash, appearance as an, alternate, announcer.
24. Mario's Amiibo will not unlock the Super Mario Bros Movie.
25. Samus' ship will be unveiled as an item. It will be to scale.
26. The Konami Code allows Disney Infinity and Skylander toys to join the fray! This brings up the playable roster to over 150 characters! Amazeballs!
27. The Amiibos you purchase actually come to life at night time or whenever you are away from your room. They also know if you're taping them when you tryna be all sly and stuff with a hidden camera and will not be pleased with you...So play nice!
28. Sakurai's face will appear as the final boss a la Andross from Star Fox as you find out Master and Crazy Hands are his own!
29. Groose from Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword will actually remove his Sakurai mask as a Double Secret Super Ultra Final Boss Showdown! If you beat him, you will unloc- just kidding, you can't defeat Groose, you fool!
30. Ridley will be playable - He is too big, and doesn't care. Two players must operate him at one time - Player 1 operates his wings and arms, and player two can spit fireballs and control his legs. Teamwork!
31. Buying the Mario Kart 8 DLC unlocks Super Smash Kart Racing in Smash Wii U -talk about value! Sonic is ecstatic to finally race and shout, "You're too sloooow!" just before he is nearly ran over by Captain Falcon and the Blue Falcon.
32. Smash Bros. for Wii U will officially be renamed Super Smash Bros: Friendly Quarrelling Followed By Talking Out Our Emotions Because Come On, We're Better Than That (SSB:FQFBTOOEBCOWBTT for Short)
33. If you beat Master Core on level 9 difficulty in 3 minutes, 33 seconds, Gaben appears as a final boss and upon defeating him, announces that Half-Life 3 is confirmed! Wait, what's that? Half-Life 3 jokes are over played? But I made sure to even have this bit correspond to the prediction number! Respect the dedication at least!
34. Luigi gets his medical license - that's right, Dr. Luigi prescribes the pain!
35. Who's that behind him? Why it's...Not Nurse Peach, which is what you expected, huh? How rude! It's DOCTOR Peach! She ain't need no man!
36. Duck Hunt Dog gets a DLC costume - A Nyan Cat and Poptart skin dance into the kerfluffle!
37. Fan-favorite Roy returns into the bat- Oh wait, no, he's just standing in the background in Arena Ferox in a bathrobe and fluffy slippers. Well he's in the game at least, right?
38. The Wii U gamepad delivers a brand new exciting and unique way to play! Forget using a Gamecube controller, that's a thing of the past. Comfortability and response time? That should be left in the past, too. The face buttons of the Wii U Gamepad are now rendered useless because you have a touchscreen! I mean, that's all you do with phones and tablets, right? Tap, tap tap. Use your fingers on that touchscreen like you were doing taxes with an abacus to control fighters in the most definitive way to play Smash yet! What's with that face you're making?
39. The Picture Viewer in Smash Wii U will allow you to add Michael Bay level of explosions in the backgrounds of your battles! Cool guys don't look at explosions~
40. Ganondorf finally uses a sword to do battle! A Captain Falcon clone no more! Oh wait, no, that's just his taunt again. Never mind.
41. Little Mac will grow wings so his off-stage game becomes god-tier. The chances of fighting Little Mac in For Glory mode rises from 99.2 percent to 262 percent. Because, you know, maths.
42. For Glory and For Fun modes will be flanked by "For Friends" mode. In this mode, you are only able to play as Ike, who you guessed it, will give no sympathy to his enemies whether or not they've prepared themselves.
43. Forget eight players in one fight. The much better 16 player bout makes it's debut in Smash Wii U.
44. King K. Rool will unfortunately not be joining Smash, but Sakurai will pass along that he's going to therapy for his schizophrenia and thanks everyone for their thoughts and prayers.
45. Pit, since the release of Smash 3DS, has gone on a bad-boy streak and has legally changed his name to "Darker Pit". Dark Pit in protest has been reborn as "Darkest Pit".
46. Alongside the GameCube controller adaptor, a Power Glove adaptor will also be released. You can actually punch with the device attached to perform smashes in game! Here's a pro-tip: After securing the Power Glove with the wrist strap (safety first, am I right?) punch your friends on the couch to get an upper hand in battle!
47. If you get your ass beat using Pikachu, he will automatically de-volve into Pichu! This canon-breaking mechanic was put in play to really kick you while you're down :(
48. Coin Battle will jump from least played mode to be your new staple match type as a reward program kicks off on day 1 of release. This awards program utilizes screenshots of your Coin Battle victories to pay you with actual, real, currency matched to what you acquired digitally! Your menial day job behind a desk or cash register is no more! Take that, "the Man!"
49. The online capabilities of Smash Bros for Wii U will set a new standard in excellence and feature voice chat, cross game chat, private lobbies, a plethora of gameplay options, lag-free battles, and matchmaking that will deliver you to courteous and respectful players who never spam or berate you in any shape or form. A nobel peace prize is given to Nintendo for creating an online community so healthy and full of life that will alter the face of humankind forever and send us into a new golden age. Aliens finally decide to talk to us and we play Smash Bros with them. They too are tight that Ridley doesn't make the cut in Smash Bros 6.
50. The friendships ruined by Mario Party will further deteriorate under the play of the new Smash Bros board game mentioned above.
Think you can do better? You can't, but go ahead and try in the comments below.