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Famous Last Words

Some people say “last words” are bogus, made up by people later to serve an agenda. They say there’s clearly no way to tell what people said objectively and that they serve more of mythology than man.

Samuel Clemens a.k.a. Mark Twain, Died April 21, 1910

“Oh God, oh no, oh God, oh man. Vampires everywhere. I should of never of started a monster club with zombie Lincoln.”


Abraham Lincoln, 16th American President, Died April 15, 1865

“Truly I am dying from a shot in the head. Wait, Johnson, is that voodoo? Don’t use voodoo. Noooo.”

Theodore Roosevelt, January 6, 1919/3000000 B.C.

“I am so tired of dinosaurs. Time travel sounded cool, but it’s just dinosaur after dinosaur and nobody cares for all my awesome dinosaur names I’ve given them. Also didn’t I have a reason for time travelling? Ahhh, a giant Penisaur Roosevelt, and it’s angry, ahhhh...”


Albert Einstein, April 18, 1955/January 6, 1919

“Teddie it’s the time zombies, headed by Abraham Lincoln and vampire Mark Twain, use this time machine to set the history straight. Whatever you do don’t just rename dinosaurs after your member. I’ll hold them off as long as I can.”


René Descartes, February 11, 1650

“Finally my flying carriage is complete. I’ll change the world with this invention. Oh no, my controls are stuck.”


David Hume, August 25, 1776

“What is this machine? It looks like some sort of flying machine. Oh no zombie. No my leg stop eating my leg. Oh no my arms it’s eating my arms. Why are you eating me? Descartes? It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Blaaarghahaghghgaa.”


Plato, 348/7 BC

“I call it a flamethrower. Aristotle, are you getting this? Anyways I call it the flamethrower and it’s...oh god, oh man, oh god, I set everything on fire. Run, whatever you do don’t tell everyone I killed myself with my own invention.”


Aristotle, 322 BC

“I call it a flamethrower. Totally my own invention. Oh no that elephant got ahold of my flamethrower, run.”


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