Sir Not Appearing in this List
Image: Nintendo Life

So it’s Smash SeasonTM once again, which means it’s time for everyone and their cat to speculate on the new game’s character list. Some might consider this obnoxious pandering to the Smash fan base, but as a member of that fan base I relish these discussions. With that said, I don’t have any interest in repeating everyone else’s lists. Sure, we’re probably going to see Spring Man, Shovel Knight, and Travis Touchdown in the new Smash, but I’d like to take the opportunity to get really out there with my picks. And by “out there” I mean “dumb.” So here are five characters that will never, ever be in Super Smash Bros., no matter how cool it would be if they were.

1. Jotaro Kujo

Yare yare daze.
Screenshot: Capsule Computers

This is how you know this list is serious business. A badass among badasses, I honestly think Jotaro would fit pretty well. He’s a bit edgy, but Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure is a goofy enough series that he wouldn’t seem out of place. After all, he fights a demon clown baby and a god damn car in the show, why couldn’t he take on a couple plumbers and some animals with varying degrees of anthropomorphism? His moveset would mostly be limited to punching things, but he would punch them in like a Super Cool Way. His time stop ability would serve as a unique final smash, and he would have the best taunt in the game. Let’s get a movement going guys. Forget Goku, Jotaro Kujo for Smash 5.

2. Chandelure

Image: Dorkly

Bite me genwunners. Chandelure is one of the coolest Pokémon there is, and nothing the massive army of haters can say is going to convince me otherwise. There is a significant overrepresentation of humanoid body types in Smash right now, and this ghostly chandelier would help fix that. Plus, it’s already been in Pokkén Tournament! That game is basically the same as Smash if you ignore the mechanics, art style, control scheme, and overall design philosophy. Seems like an easy leap to me.

3. Waluigi

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God I hate this guy.
Image: Gizmodo

Alright this one is on here just to irritate the Waluigi fans that have been clamoring for his inclusion in Smash. Why would anyone want him in Smash, you ask? What would he even do? Why is there such abundant enthusiasm for a gross, terrible character with a stupid name? Truly, these are the mysteries of our time.


4. Micaiah

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So my last two predictions are mostly there just to be annoying, but this is one that would actually make me absurdly happy. Even if no one remembers her (though while searching for images of her I found out she’s in FE Heroes, so maybe people do know her). Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn is my favorite in the series, and Micaiah is an awesome character. Her quiet, flawed strength was really inspiring in Radiant Dawn, and she would fight a lot differently than the forty other Fire Emblem characters that were in Smash 4. She’s a light mage, so her attacks would be extra flashy and mostly mid-ranged, but she wouldn’t have the cop out addition of a sword like Robin did. Plus, if they bring back Lucina there’s the added benefit of having the two best Fire Emblem girls of all time. Bring in Claire from Shadows of Valentia and you’ve got the holy trinity.

5. Coldsteel the Hedgeheg

DO NOT STEAL

Not gonna lie, I could only come up with four of these. Even with one of them being a joke. So here’s an extra stupid one: the ultimate Sonic O.C. Coldsteel the Hedgeheg. I guess he could scratch the other fighters with his Nine Inch Nails? And hey, he was a costume for Sonic in a mod for Project M that I downloaded once, so he’s already kind of been in a fan made Smash game. That basically makes him a Smash veteran.

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So those were five god awful Smash 5 character predictions. This article ended up being even dumber than how I envisioned it. Also way shorter, and less tonally consistent. Oh well. Do you have any characters you’d like to see in the upcoming Smash Bros. that have no business at all being there? Let me know in the comments!