There comes a time in a man’s life that he has to stop flexing, straighten his mustache, put down the weapon, and reaffirm his masculinity by looking nature straight in its eye, and then punching it.
But what does a wolf puncher do in his downtime? Like anybody else, he plays video games. But even there, nature likes to show off its dominance over Man. Blinding, life-sapping snowstorms, torrential downpours, and of course, killer animals. It’s time to show even virtual nature who’s boss. By punching it. Hold onto your butts guys, cause we’re about to piss off PETA.
- Red Dead Redemption
This entry is included solely for the reason that weaponless wolf punching is technically possible! When you tire of your day of lifting weights and waxing your mustache ( Ha! As if that ever happens, right?), you can ride your trusty steed into the sands, and find yourself a furry life to end with your own hands. Be careful though, because the cougars out there won’t be taking any of your fist-waving shit.
Unfortunately, RDR’s wolf punching is very tricky (I can hear you out there, but hey, I never promised the wolf-punching in the games listed would be any good). Being unable to punch down means your muscle-bound arms usually swing right over the heads of your prey. JB recommends instead you draw your blade before taking on that pack of 13 wolves.
- Final Fantasy
The Final Fantasy series is an absolute must-play for the nature-punching aficionado. Multiple entries have given us characters who laugh in the face of gunfire and over sized weapons and take the lives of their enemies into their own hands. Snow might have been as smart as a bag of hammers, but who needs brains when you can punch an Behemoth to death? Zell, multiple pugilists from the online entries, and fan favorite Tifa all punch nature right between the eyes before moving on to punch something else others would say they probably shouldn’t be punching ( like houses in Sector 6).
But for sheer wolf-punching bliss, you can’t beat Sabin from FFVI. He’ll learn several awesome ways to obliterate creatures, and even the initial learned Blitz is a series of closed fists applied liberally to skull of your chosen Lobo
victim prey. If they have the audacity to somehow still draw breath, you can then suplex them into so much jelly. F yea.
- Elder Scrolls
But both the above entries come with their downsides for a bored emotionless killing machine intent on finding a virtual Canis Lupus and freeing it of its mortal coil through a close-up view of your knuckles. In Red Dead, it’s the fact that punching is a much weaker form of attack, and you’re much better off filling nature with bits of lead launched at speed to get that same view of the spark draining from their eyes ( and worse yet, you might not even be close enough to see it). In Final Fantasy, it’s worrying about those pesky tagalongs who all seem to want steal your glory with flashy spells and big weapons. What of the man who wants to both enter his fight against the virtual natural order solo ( the way it was meant to be) and be able to actually aim his weapons of death?
The Elder Scrolls has you covered. In addition to these benefits, you’ll also find your mortal enemies nearly everywhere at any time. And in Skyrim, you’re not even forced to bring your fists to bear, as you can end lives through pure expressions of rage, sending canines rocketing from your personal space and over tall cliff edges.
JB recommends Oblivion though, for the sheer joy of an unarmed strike animation that resembles Cesar Millan “TSST”ing the wolves until they fall over. “Look, they’re not dead, they’re sleeping! Time to take their hide and the 6 gold they somehow had on them.”