I'm really feeling it!
I'm really feeling it!
Illustration for article titled Having a Female Doctor Who is Objectively The Worst Idea Ever

Recently the web has been awash with heated arguments around the announcement that the latest incarnation of the Doctor would be a woman.


Now, as someone who doesn’t watch the show and basically knows nothing about it, I have a very strong opinion I’d like to share on this issue.

You see, the very idea of having a female Doctor Who is objectively wrong and in this post I shall demonstrate it in a self-evident way that will make those who’ve defended this horrible move feel ashamed of your words & deeds.


Reason #1: Women Can’t Drive

Have you ever been the passenger in a car with a woman driver? It’s terrifying and that’s not even when she’s trying to put on her lipstick while absentmindedly steering with her knees. Have you seen the rims on a woman’s car? That shit will not buff out.


Do you really want such a spatially-deficient being behind the wheel(?) of an anachronistic inter-dimensional time McGuffin? I put it to you friends, that you do not want this. Mock me if you like, but when the good Doctor parks her TARDIS inside a nuclear reactor it won’t be so funny.

Reason #2: She’s Not Qualified to Operate a Sonic Screwdriver

The Sonic Screwdriver is clearly a male instrument second only to the lightsaber for its phallic properties. Just the name assures us that this is a man’s tool meant to accomplish man things. Just say it.


Screw. Driver.

This is not some lady’s floppy dildo. It’s a long, hard tool of intergalactic science. Which I should remind you is another thing ladies are not good at. The whole of lady science is basically Marie Curie nuking herself, so don’t even go there.


As the owner of a (probably) gross space-vagina this Doctor Who is just going to make a mess of it. You can’t argue with the science. Freud was very clear on this stuff and he was a very smart dude.

Reason #3: They’re Time LORDS

Yeah, it’s so freaking obvious that I can’t believe no one else is bringing it up. Doctor Who is something called a “Time Lord”. I don’t know what that is, but I do know a lady can’t be a Lord. It’s in the dictionary guys, so it’s just word science.


Reason #4: No One Will Take Her Seriously

Doctor Who is presumably a good, well not guy now, but person I guess. There’s saving people from incredibly cheesy robots and other spacey threats to human life, which is a hero thing. This takes someone who can be in charge and lead. It takes a heroic chin, deep voice and broad shoulders.


Does a lady have these things? The answer is no, this is a lady and no one follows a lady or trusts that they know what they are doing. What if she’s having her space-period? She has two hearts, so that’s twice the bleeding. Is there like one week a month when Doctor Who won’t be on the job?

We’ve Gone Too Far

This is the sign of the end-times frankly. If even our TV shows can’t be trusted to stick to their own arbitrary rules then what are we doing really? I can accept that an intergalactic beach bum who travels the universe in a spatially-inverted police box gets reincarnated a dozen times as a completely different person, but that vagina, man. It’s just too much.

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