With the release of Bethesda’s new title Fallout 4 fans are getting ready to ride the hype train. From buying special editions, to reselling those special editions on eBay, and finally having parties to celebrate the game’s release.

“We didn’t want to give our fans the ultimate Fallout experience” Jake Winters said on a holotape like device created for recording audio in a genuine Fallout fashion. Winters, who had won the lottery with his brother Finn, used their now advanced wealth to throw a very special party for their friends who were all fans of the post-apocalyptic RPG series.

These holotapes, now found piecemeal throughout a tarnished and destroyed accurate recreation of a Fallout Vault-Tec vault under their recently purchased mansion, are apparently one of few grim reminders of this planned party.

“I knew Jake was into me, but I had a boyfriend, still he said we could both live in this vault for a few months leading to the release of the next Fallout game and would get well payed for our efforts. It was supposed to be the ultimate game release party.” A sobbing Britney Andrews said in her holotape, hidden in a safe in a room full of bottle caps.

“I’m very freaked out,” Norville said on a holotape found on his person (in a pocket of his very accurate and flattering vault jumpsuit). “They made a giant robot with guns. Who does that? It just walks around shooting at stuff on the third floor. Also it has a human skull on it, what the fuck? Seriously why’d Britney talk me into this. I fucking hate Jake so much for this.”

Apparently tensions were high. But one final holo tape would explain why everything went wrong.

Advertisement

“This is my last will and testament. I Finn Winters, in sound mind and body, am recording this (sic) holo tape for future generations. Please learn from us. My brother tricked us into getting into a vault for the Fallout 4 release, but really he just wanted us all to live in the vault forever. As much as my brother liked science fiction he had no idea how this stuff worked. He found builders to make this stuff but he didn’t know what to do when the plumbing had problems or a computer system quit working. Hacking didn’t work the way he expected, it just doesn’t work that way.

“He had some special janitorial staff but they weren’t alright with getting payed in caps. Seriously why would anyone be OK with getting payed in caps? Anyways I’m pretty sure I’m dying from radiation poisoning, an affliction with which there is no cure for in the real world so why would you leave nuclear waste all over a vault Jake?. So I’m leaving everything I own to whoever excavates this vault, and watch out for the death robot down stairs my brother is officially the biggest asshole in the universe. You know what? Don’t do it, it’s mostly just more caps. Don’t grab my stuff, just leave. Also sorry, by grabbing this holo tape you’re probably now dying of radiation poisoning.”