This has taken so long to get right. OK, I finally have finished work on my machine that let’s us read the minds of video game characters and see what they’re thinking about...what they love if you will. Where to begin?

Yoshi

Is it just me or does Yoshi look really devious? All I’m saying is I definitely wouldn’t trust him with a baby. So what is Yoshi thinking of?

Wait, what’s Hodor thinking of?

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Oh, I guess that makes sense.

Zelda

Oh this will be a cute one. Zelda obviously loves Link and is thinking of him.

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So that’s canon now?

Link

Link, please for the love of God have a normal obsession.

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Whew. That was a close one. Kitchen Gun is a completely normal love. I love you kitchen gun.

Charizard

Oh, a Pokemon have a pokemon love? Squirtle?

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He has not forgot about Dre. That’s the important thing here.

Master Chief

OK we’re going to respec the machine. Master Chief obviously loves that robot right?

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That...how does that even make sense?

Wario

Oh this will be great.

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It’s a person at least. Thank God.

Nanako

Obviously she has a crush on Big Bro.

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Huh. Nachos.

Donkey Kong

Please don’t be anything weird.

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It’s so weird. That was like the worst thing it could be.

The Rock

He’s basically the personification of a video game.

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Is that like a meme?

Cloud Strife

Just whatever. Please be Tifa or Aerith. I mean I know it’s not going to be that but I can hope.

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OK, recalibration incoming. Enjoy this pic of The Rock in the meantime.

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Waluigi

Oh this is going to be like super weird, right?

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Spiders. What the hell?

Kirby

OK, at least Kirby is so weird that nothing is wrong here. I mean is Kirby even a he?

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You’ve let me down Kirby. You’ve truly let me down.

Batman

He’s been in so many video games. So Catwoman, right?

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Ofcourse, he’s basically a good guy version of Vader. What does Vader love?

What? No, Vader does not love sand. He has a whole thing where he talks about hating sand, specifically.

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Marth

At least he finds love in his games. What’s he thinking about here?

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No no no. He’s not even from the same reality where Depardieu lives.

Luigi

Well he can’t be as weird as Waluigi. Please be something normal like a princess.

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Nineteenth century anatomical illustration of a head. I mean obviously.

Geralt the Witcher

Yennefer, right?

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Torgo? Who’s Torgo?

Well that’s one mystery solved I guess.

Sonic

Oh this is going to be bad.

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No, no history Sonic. Nobody responds to that stuff.

Samus

Oooh, I bet this is going to be good.

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More spiders. Why not.

Pikachu

Obviously Pikachu is attracted to more Pikachus.

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Pikachu likes a man in uniform. Apparently.

Persona 3 Protagonist

Oh a harem contest. Mitsuru, ooh no Aigis.

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Trebuchet?

Bowser

He’s like the guy who invented stealing princesses. So obvious.

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Again they don’t even exist in the same reality. This thing is so busted.

Big Boss

Ha, I think we all know who Big Boss loves.

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Oh it’s definitely been working this whole time. So what’s with all the spiders?

So what did we learn? Video game characters are not at all like us. Also love is weird. You’re all gross. This is a sick world.