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Interview With A Reaper

Illustration for article titled Interview With A Reaper

Coming straight to your omni-tools from Easterlund News, the galaxy’s favorite news source, we bring you the interview of the millennium! Who needs Citadel Council members or dead Spectres when only Easterlund News can bring you an interview with a bonafide Reaper! Suck it, al-Jilani!


Easterlund News: Welcome, and thanks again for agreeing to this interview!

Reaper: “You are not Saren.

EN: I...uh..no. I am not. I’m JB, with Easterlund News? You agreed to this conversation a few days ago? Plus, Saren died a few years ago. Did you forget?


R: “There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension.”

EN: “Alright, moving on then. The war now over....”

R: Irrelevant.”

EN: “I...don’t understand. How is that not relevant? Commander Shepard made it to the Citadel and....”


R: “These attacks are pointless.

EN: “I wasn’t attacking you. I’m simply trying get a sense of where your thoughts....”


R: “Rudimentary creature of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding.”

EN: Look, there’s no reason to insult me. If you didn’t want to talk, I’m not sure why you agreed to this interview.


R: “You are shortsighted.”

EN: Now you’re just being an asshole. The galaxy wants to know what you’re plans are, now that Shepard....”


R: “Your attack is an insult.”

EN: I wasn’t attacking you! The galaxy demands answers (and I need to scoop aL-Jilani). Why do you keep getting so defensive every time I bring up Commander....


R: “If I must tear you apart, Shepard, I will.”

EN: ....what? I’m not the Commander.

R: “You are not Saren.”

EN: ...

R: ...

(A few minutes of uncomfortable silence later)

EN: I...

R: “This delay is pointless.”

EN: Can you comment on the rumors that you were controlled by a StarChild....

R: “This exchange is over.”

Easterlund News reporter JB lost connection with our interviewee at this point, immediately followed by someone assuming control of his omni-tool and flooding his extranet box with hundreds of images of the famed Commander Shepard in embarrassing circumstances, most of which were done in photoshop. EN will continue to bring you updates as they become available.

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