It takes a mad man to make Walmart to sell its own hot pizza. It takes an even crazier man to eat it. I’ve sacrificed myself so that you, my people may spare your taste buds.

Walmart’s making pizza? God that just sounds like a bad ‘Murica joke

Yes, and it is. Kind of. 5 dollars buys you a large-ish pizza sitting conveniently in an enclosed plexiglass case with a few heatlamps. This was roughly an hour into its shelf life (Most heat lamp fodder has a max life of 4 hours, so it was relatively “fresh”.) This is tantamount to the setup Little Caesar’s has for its quick pickup pies.

So, what’s the verdict?

Typically, Crust comes in 2 basic varieties. Hand tossed variety when done properly is a puffy in the middle and crispy where the cheese sizzles on top. Alternatively, Thin crust is flaky, crunchy, light, and somewhat like a thin buttered cracker. This is kind of a mashup of the two. The bottom of the crust was not burnt (Miraculously) and had sort of a hole-y cracker texture like you might find on Ellios frozen slabs. The top was properly crispy where the cheese met the edge of the pie. Looking at the pie, I personally expected to taste a light garlic flavor in the crust. I was disappointed in that respect, though it had a mild cheesy taste, unexpected, but not unappreciated. Points for that...

However, The cheese congealed, at an alarming rate. Even pulling from the middle of the slightly neat stack of 7 or so boxes, the cheese was remarkably chewy. Not so much as to match the pizza at college, expertly baked in a brick oven, then carelessly thrown under a “Too-many watts” lightbulb. Seriously. College cafeterias is where pizza goes to die. The cheese was a bit of a dealbreaker, at least as is, after a 15 minute drive home.

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The sauce was a bit tangy and sweet, with a nice spicy kick to finish. Pepperoni was unoffensive, though nothing to write home about.

Looks like Pizza, smells slightly of pizza.

THE TEST

The ultimate test of any pizza is how it essentially “Comes back to life” or lack thereof of said factor. The test is, in laymen’s (Laypersons) terms, microwaving it for a short period.

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The test went better than expected.

Fortunately, the cheese melts nicely after a scant 30 seconds in the microwave, though the end crust is a slightly chewier disappointment. Floral Print plate for ambience.

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So what’s the verdict?

As it stands, the following is my personal scale for pizza or even pizza-esque products.

1. A little known Bar and Grille on the fringe of Northeast Philadelphia called “Gearo’s” (Seriously, if you’re ever around Grant Avenue, search for it, it’s well worth the price of admission. It’s part of the reason why I’m a husky gentleman, and as a kicker, you can have your choice of alcoholic beverage alongside the best non-authentic (Read: Americanized in a good way) Pizza)

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2. Independent Pizza shops

3. Independent Pizza shops with more than one location

4. Mass produced Pizza chains (Pizza Hut, Papa Johns)

5. Lesser Mass produced Pizza chains (Little Caesar’s, Domino’s)

6. Name Brand Frozen Pizza (Tombstone, Digiorno)

7. Off brand Frozen Pizza (Store Brand, Ellio’s)

8. College Cafeteria Pizza

I’d probably throw this right between 5 and 6. Okay, Not great. And That’s saying something considering how little I expected of Walmart.

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3 tiny cats/5.