Ladies and gentlemen โ€” welcome to my words. Potatoes are one of the greatest discoveries of mankind, and are of the fullest flavor. In fact, studies have shown that my mouth is the best place for potatoes. Hell, I used to be able to fit a whole potato in my mouth. Great skill to have. Came in handy when I was a struggling college student needing to make a few bucks . . . and pass a class โ€” with a C apparently!

Oh, hey. We are here about potatoes. And definitely not about a professor who didn't love me. Anyway, today we are going to rend all the potatoes imaginable with full-on glory, might and expert cunning. I hope you brought your skills and your wit! It's cooking time!

Ingredients:

  • Potatoes
  • Courage
  • Fists

Step 1: Procure a bag of potatoes from a store by any means necessary

Step 2: Cut potatoes open with your fists

Step 3: Scream at neighborhood children whilst furiously headbutting in their direction. (For a low-sodium, fat-free substitute, use a Tablespoon of "I Can't Believe it's not Child Endangerment")

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Step 4: Apply bacon and cheese with extreme prejudice

Step 5: Stare at the potatoey goodness for 20 minutes at 375 degrees Fahrenheit

Step 6: Consume the baked potatoes

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, teh greatest baked potatoes ever made. The assimilation of this delicious meal will not only alleviate any hunger you were feeling before eating but, also, make you yearn for the day I finally work up the nerve to end Kanye West and his direction baby!