Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome — to my ideas. You know, I was once told that I should go into advertising, or marketing — Hell, maybe both. It doesn't matter. I chose neither. As I pondered these ideas whilst slamming my fists into the closest textbook I could find, I realized that the world was not yet ready for my ideas. And, in fact, it may never be. But that will not stop me from sharing my ideas for one of the greatest commercials that will never be made.
This is a commercial for Jif. Now, I will proceed to blow you away — with the raging biceps of my mind!
A man — fair complexion, eyes narrow, five o'clock shadow gently rustling in the wind. He is on a brisk walk. He is looking for a target. He stops suddenly and gazes toward the distance; sweet sounds of children's laughter echos in his ears. The more laughter he hears the more visibly angry he becomes. His head starts to tremble and sweat beads down his face. He bellows a rage-filled warcry — and a lion manifests itself by his side, roaring as mightily as a lion can roar.
The man mounts the lion; takes the mane in his hands as if it is its reins and together they storm toward the sickening sound of innocence! They see their target, not far-off now — a playground full of children. A playground full of victims.
The children see the man and beast approaching, yet do not scream as they are taken back by the majesty of the scene. They can see the man's face now, clearer. A countenance full of determination, the children know they cannot foil his plans. Verily, the man slows his steed and glares menacingly at the children. His wide, pursed lips form an ominous, pressed smile. He kicks his lion's side and the lion vomits, revealing their ultimate weapon —
Domestic Abuse Mickey Mouse
"Ho ho! Let's see if you burn dinner again! Ho ho!" And Mickey punches Minnie with all the force he can muster.
The children scream, the man strikes his lion again, and another Domestic Abuse Mickey Mouse spews forth from the pile.
"Ho ho! I've been looking forward to this! Ho ho!"
The children run, and the man strikes his lion again, and again, and again, closing his eyes and bellowing a soulless cackle of a laugh amidst the chaos he is wreaking. His kicks are endless, as is his rage!
Then, he opens his eyes and we are given a closeup of his trembling, horror-stricken face. The camera pans back to reveal thousands of Domestic Abuse Mickey Mouses.
"Ho ho!" "Ho ho!" "Wanna leave the mop —" "Ho ho!" Ho ho!" "Ho ho!" "I'll make the kids orpha—" Ho ho!" "Ho ho!" "Pluto is a better lover than y—" "Ho ho!"
Then, the camera rest on a picnic table.
Voiceover: You choose their outfit, their haircut, and their school. It's time to choose the food that's right for them, because a choosy parent knows best. A parent like you chooses Jif." And a jar of Jif is placed down on the table.
Man in the background: "What have I done?!"
...And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. A glimpse into the insanity I indulge, and fight, on a day-to-day basis. Please note, this commercial isn't for everyone, or anyone, but here it is all the same. Here it is, for you, like it always has been. Or something.