Hail! Good morrow and well met, gentiles! 'Tis I, your fervent ruler over all things right, just, and muscly. Come hither and give heed, for I shall regale you with but a story, full of princesses, knights, and food!

First things first, however:

This should go without saying.

Let it be known, amongst you, my fellow, merciful souls, that this was the first Renaissance Festival I have ventured into and it was, nary a doubt, one of the best experiences of my life. In fact, I believe the sun had nearly passed the earth before I vacated the premises! And, in my many hours spent here, I cast my gaze upon many a wench, whose bosoms were nearly escaping their blouse!

And, lest I forget, there was a lad dressed in a red and blue outfit, not from this time, who insisted on being called a . . . 'Spider-man'. What foul worship hast befallen he?!


Now, set your eyes upon the bountiful feast that I have gorged upon, and rejoice!

Ah, the scrumptious leg-part of a humble avian creature! Surely there is no greater meal in the eyes of our King, thus we partake and do our duty to God! By killing and eating this creature until there is nothing left to bury!


No, really, there is no aftermath. I ate everything and gave a dog the bone. Nothing stands in my wake. And the shepherd dog of the Germans was most delighted!

Now, what better brew to go with out creature meat than —


warm, spiced mead! It settled well in my belly and gave me the comfort only a fair lass could provide. Har, har, har! T'was an amazing beverage, and one that would rightfully be serverd to our King.

Ho, our feast dost not end there, gentiles! I have taken vengeance upon another of the avian variety, and the potatoes it served in cahoots with!


Chicken and crossed-spuds, as the wenches called it. I cared not, as I demanded its sustenance! Ye dare mock the maiden name of thine mother, foul bird and spuds? You and your cohorts shall be vanquished by my jaws and rampant mastication!

Alas, the chicken, and spuds, proved far too much of a challenge for me. The saltiness was unmerciful and without remorse! My strength unquestioned, but my mettle shaken, I admitted defeat by throwing what was left away.


Indeed, a worthy adversary. And, even in my mightiest of might, I had been stricken by an upset stomach and could do nothing, save wince in discomfort and confusion, as pain had never dared cross my path!

Thus, I made my way to the apothecary! Yet, I found comfort in the best medicine of all!


Stale urine! Har, har! I jest! More mead, my friends! Glorious, supple mead that can cure any ailment! And t'was a good decision, as pain left my being and I was able to focus on the battle at hand, which, dear mortals, was eating, and consume food I did! Caring not for lines, I shoved my way to the front of the line, by waiting in line, much like the honorable knight I am! Thus, with my waiting complete, I found myself staring into the circular meal placed before me!


What sorcery?! It was good.

However, I caught myself wondering why not they put more topping on what I believe is called 'crust'? I dare say, this meal would be far more enjoyable if it were so. Also, if it were a turkey leg!


Unfortunately, kind souls, my stomach did not care for the devouring of more food, thus my food conquest was put on hold, indefinitely, for, by the time I hungered once more, the festival had drawn to a close. Tears were shed. Though I did not leave empty handed, dear maidens and squires. Nay, for I procured souvenirs!

A large health poultice of bountiful healing, as the court wizard identified it. I will enjoy the consumption of healing goodness from this! It will be full of mead!


And, lastly, I found this on my travels!

I am a warrior of great strength!

And there, fair gentiles, is where my tale concludes. I will return next year, and, if fate allows, I will be in more suitable attire! God save the King!